And...

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY!!!

ok this is a bit on the early side but hey 4 more hours only.

This goes out to all the teachers i couldnt visit today (if they happen to chance upon this website...)

THANK YOU for everything you've done. and wish u the HAPPIEST TEACHERS' DAY ever!

panic...

Oh, did i mention that Prelims started today? GP today... before the paper was commenting that i was banking on the arts question, followed by the education one, before the general topic. Let's see now, the arts question was "comment on the ... and ... of poetry". i went like HUH... then i thought, okay education. So, "Why do we study history if history keeps repeating itself?" And it was a double HUH. So i looked at the science question, marriage question, blah. in the end, i did the one on 'Criminals deserve a second chance too. Comment.' So there. gone for paper 1. all my quotes on arts wasted.

So paper 2. might be easier. praying hard for arts. then saw: politics/economics/poverty. it was on the poverty problem in Africa, and almost all the questions were on 'what does the writer intend you to understand by the inverted commas blah blah' bleahx. and the aq was damn hard: 'what would you suggest to the G8 summit to solve the problem of poverty in Africa? in your answer, you should comment on points made by the two authors and also your own points based on your experiences living in a post colonial nation state' i was like HELLO we are students, who cares about whether we are in a post colonial nation state at 18 years old? so wells, GP is gone.

So now, the next paper would be practical in the hols, followed by the rest of the written papers. i especially hate week 1 wed thursday. got all 4 subjects in just two days. bleahx. Physics FM, Music Maths. in that order. how bad can it get.

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How come EVERYONE tells me to think about it? i want solutions... i want you to tell me what to do. I hate making decisions. i think this is something genetic but still. TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! i dun wan to think for myself. That's why i'm in Science ... i hate it hate it hate it hate it. egrx.

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its not the best of feelings at 2 am in the morning when u suddenly awaken to a bad dream, a dream that seemed so real, a dream with music that sounded so sad and pathetic, that says of an ending, a departure, and not a grand one. a performance to an audience who cant be bothered to stay, a performance below whatever standards our predecessors, or even ourselves have set. a performance that would have dissapointed many. a performance that marks a sad ending to otherwise glorious moments.

i dun want things to end like that. i dun want my dream to come true. they have come true so many times that i am afraid to dream anymore. i never dream of happy days, of elation, of times when people rejoice. why? why? why? why do my dreams always show me my fears, the things that i dread most? why must my dreams always take away from me what means most to me?

i wish i could analyze dreams just like that.

just now i was sitting on the piano, playing rubbish again. improvising nothingness. yet, i couldnt bring myself today, to play fast tunes, to play something lively. it was all blues, with sadness in them, full of tragedy, and a sense of loss. i didnt know where i was going, not that i usually do, but this time i seemed to go around in circles and circles, and always end up with no solutions.

perhaps i'm too tired, too paranoid. dunno.

but i dun want to lose anything. just like that. its not fair.

please let it go on.

my time is not up yet. i hope. there is still a chance. there will be a time for me to go, but for once i'm hopeful that its later than sooner. i still have unaccomplished things. i still have hopes and dreams.

please, dun take it away from me.

ch

what do you believe?

The devil doesnt tempt us with cheap riches, it comes to us with what we want most. The devil is in all of us, in our minds, but it is the heart we must listen to.










to those who want recordings, after prelims can?

sheez...

Disappointing...
On monday, i was on the way home on the train. i heard this guy talking to another on the phone, and from the gist of the msg, this was wad happened. this guy left work 45 min early to meet his friend, and his friend is going to be late. and guess what i heard in his phone convo. it is quite unpleasant to hear so many vulgarities thrown into one phone convo just like that. and dun complain that if u leave work a ******* 45 min early and ur boss finds out, u're ******* fired. hhey, u chose to leave early. and please, i dun think anyone else in the whole train would want to know all the things you say.

don't we get caught in similar situations sometimes? like how we get disappointed when we go to meet someone, and go to great lengths to do that, and that guy comes late, or stood you up. sighs.

-----

this guy i know, should i call person A. you are getting on my nerves. here's what i cant stand: you speak too much, too loud, and you never listen. you always assume so many things, and barge your way into activities that others have not invited you into, and may not even want you there, yet u take it for granted you are wanted. and not everyone wants to hear your comments at every single thing that happens. not everyone wants to know how you've spent your day. especially not when you never listen when other people speak, so why expect others to listen to you.

people don't complain in your face because they are nice. well. i'm not. check yourself.

-----

this other person i know, should i call B. stop complaining. and do something about it, yourself.

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C: hey, if you make a promise, you jolly well see through to it.

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Was talking to this person, D, over the previous weekend. really, thousand over people have told me to 'think about it'. What makes things worse is that, my mind is already bursting with millions of things to think about, and adding on to those, plus mild insomnia, is not going to help my case. i'm barely surviving on 3h nights, and sighs, how come it seems that others do work so much more quickly and efficiently?

think about it... about what? again, the future. over this week, have heard more and more news about how others are already applying for what Harvard, Yale, and what have you. people like me are stoning and hoping that nobody will notice that i'm like not applying anywhere yet. actually, does anyone really notices if i dun do anything? i mean its so opposite from being recognised for doing something. but for not doing anything... sheez...

sighs. i am trying to concentrate on my studies now, but it doesnt seem to be working at all. i wonder how i'm going to survive prelims, which start next monday. .......

on tuesday, i went: Hey, its 23rd Aug! in one month's time exactly, prelims are over!!! so am i being optimistic, or what? i was duly reminded: 'what does that say about when prelims are starting?' sighs. yar go ahead and do some personality test on me and tell me what kind of person i am.

havent been home much these few days, dunno why. the outside always seem much more appealing to me, home is not. i'm slipping back into the old ways of staying later and later in school for no apparent reason. oh wells, im trying to get some work done in school but still, im staying later and later. wonder why.

have been making many bad choices, wrong decisions, stupid moves. i need someone to rein me in, before anything bad really happens.

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there are times where i seriously look and feel like an idiot, now thinking back on them. sighs. its what driving people away from me.

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what ms wang said is true. in this period of time, people have less time for you, you have less time for others. please, dun let things sour between us?

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i'm actually home now. ha. am going to nap then wake up later. and do some work if i feel up to it.

cheehang

and...

and what good will thinking be?
what good has it done?
if not to give me more things to think about?

there is an underlying reason why i am so slow in my work. maybe reasons. maybe i'm in denial. maybe i'm avoiding something.

maybe it is just plain reluctance, and rebellion.

ch

It's not pretty.

I've got to survive yet another bad day tomorrow. Long day. Okay, not long. trying day. Rush here, rush there. only its not that bad.

make it better for me, please.

i know this is a 2nd post for today. dun read the previous one unless you are prepared. i may have offended a thousand different people.

Don't bother.

For as long as I remember, I have never been good with self control. In my outbursts, in my mood, in everything. In times of stress, and tire, I explode, quite easily.

Can I attribute it to stress, and let it be? Or am I just too tired to even bother?

These days, there are a lot of things which I do, and then wonder why. A lot of actions go unexplained. Not because I didn’t try to. On the contrary. I have been searching for the reasons for all these things that I am doing. The people I hang out with. The things I agree to. The thousand and one different things I take up. The image I try to project. The people I avoid. The detours I take. The times I spent doing nothing. The eccentricity in me.

Can I easily say stress? Or is there more to it?

What pressure is on me, nobody knows and nobody understands. I feel bad, stuck, compressed. There is no way out, except live through it, cross my fingers and hope to survive. Seriously.

What am I worried about? Am I asking a question you would have asked anyway? So, what? Seriously, I also do not know. The compo recording is over. Though I’d still like to record my first work but that would have to be after prelims I guess. And yes I still need to edit my recordings so that they sound nice. Hols. All these, in time to come. All planned. So it’s not compo I’m worried about…

Studies? Okay, apart from being seriously lagging in my class on Maths tutorial, not understanding half the F Maths topics, not knowing anything about physics except the mechanics, and not knowing if I have the stamina to carry on doing anything, I am not worried about my studies. Really. I’m not being sarcastic or anything. For 12 years in the Singapore school system, never mind my opinion about it, I have never once worried about my studies. Yar, ego, look at where I am now. So, is it the post studies? As in, the Uni stuff and such…do I care? Maybe. Now that I’m half convinced I really need a degree. A cert. Half convinced. But no, not that.

Is it how enriching my life is? Cos seriously, going to school everyday doesn’t seem that fun. Which is why I dun care if I miss school or go late. So I want to enrich my life. Where do I go for that? I want a life outside of books and tutorials. Where?

Is it music, where I find solitude, and a place to hide away? Is it in my friends, or should I call them my friends?

Day after day, I hear bits and snippets of conversations between others, about me. And it is, well, shall I say, not that pleasing. I really hate it when people talk about me. Why not talk to me?

Sometimes things do have a limit. I went mad today. If mad is appropriate enough. Sorry. I bet none of you have ever seen me explode before. Things have limit. There are limits to how far things can go. There’s a limit to how much I can take. Sure, I’m not that serious a guy myself. Childish, playful, mischievous, annoying, irritating, u name it. All these in the outside, and I never seem to frown, or lose my smile.

But inside, I’m a sensitive person. Who says a guy is strong, always? I’m a human, I am sensitive, I have emotions. When things hit hard, I don’t like it. Some jokes, sure, I can take. Some sensitive jokes, yar sure, I can take them.

But some things, no. Not when u are inconsiderate and have to joke about things that mean a lot to me. These things, you take for granted, but there are things that you have, and others don’t. I don’t have the luxury of a lot of things, if you haven’t noticed. Maybe because it is this lack, that in some ways life is making up for its unfairness, and grant me so many other things that I feel honoured and lucky to have. Think about it.

I dun fancy going into another long winded entry, and a rather violent one at that. I’ve had enough. Maybe, just maybe, if I isolate myself, and not talk to anyone, all these troubles will go away. I’ve never talked to anyone about anything. Should I even think about starting? If u must ask, and u really want an answer, you will get an answer like ‘yes, I’m okay. I dun want to talk about it. There’s nothing to talk about.’ I can’t trust myself, can’t trust my mouth. Much less trust you enough to tell you anything. Prove me wrong.

There are a lot of people I envy. A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z. That’s just a few to talk about. But these people probably envy me back. So what’s the point?

I’m seriously thinking of ponning the whole week next week. I hate you, you and you enough for me to miss the revisions and do it at my own time, and pace.

Some lessons can be quite discouraging, especially when you put in so much effort, only to see that someone else just simply shines because it is in their nature to do so, and even when they are not performing that well they get the good job from the teacher. Yar fine, yes you are capable. But am I in any way less so? What was the 4-5 hours of work put in for? Just for the teacher to scold away?

This sucks.

What am I talking about, should u even care? Do you even care?

Prove me wrong. Show me. Give me a sign.

Life is unfair. I know. But who will truly want to hear me talk about it?

maddening...

oh shut up. i'm trying to talk. use ur ear. for once.

f(x)... f'(x)

When everything starts to go wrong, and everything that can go wrong goes wrong, is it good or bad?

good -- nothing else can go wrong. things can only get better.
bad -- there goes your morale.

suppose ur life, emotions, moods are all in a graph of y = f(x).
at this point in time, i am at the point where f'(x) = 0
and f''(x) > 0
if u dunno what that means, go revise.

revise. sighs. i havent started revising. even tho the teachers have told me to. and my whole class is. ive been seriously stagnent. thats bad. and i'm beginning to loathe school, to the point that coming late, msg-ing during lessons, sleeping, all that doesnt matter. im feeling rebellious.

so what really matters now?

ch

Interesting...

I received this link through my email.
http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/
it certainly has a lot of school pictures from all over the world larh. certainly has two of me. haha. i can vouch for it. Heh.

this is not a virus if you're wondering. yar. dun worry. if i can find myself, maybe u can find yourself too! esp my classmates and close friends, who all have popular photos that are publicised like all over the world. this database is wonderful.

pass it round!

chee hang

Unbelievable...

I just cant believe how easily i hurt myself. eeks. i was getting off the bed and my big toe nail on my left leg scratched on my right leg ankle. how clumsy right. thats not all. the nail came up as in out of the toe so it was sticking out. ouch. so i took a nail clipper and clipped some bits off, was thinking how lucky i wasnt bleeding.

then i was still on the bed when i saw blood. then i felt pain. then i saw my right ankle. was bleeding horrendously. ouch. all that from a toe nail scratch. its about 1cm both sides, that big/small. haha. and i couldnt really sleep in a good position last night without rubbing it again.

wondering how im going to wear shoes or if im going to put a plaster over it at all. and my big toe. double ouch. heh.

at least its dried now. hopefully the wound wont open, and it will heal, unlike my other wounds that never heal.

-jackson

Oh wow...

Haha. i just woke up. yes. at 12midnight. i went to bed like at 8pm and so i'm so awake now. heh. this, is bad. and i just msged two people forgetting that its 12 and pple might be asleep. was considering messaging another sorry but think that will wake them up again. heh. so morning.

shld i do work now? yar probably.

j

10 aug

Here i was, last nite, wanting to say happy birthday singapore, and talk all about n day celebrations in school and the singing, and how i saw fireworks from my home (from marine parade and padang ones) and how the procession passed by twice... yar the wonders of living where i am. and also seeing fireworks from yishun parade one... yar...
envious? heh

wad next? i want to watch charlie and the chocolate factory... i want venezia ice cream... i want time. ha.

ch

Yesterday

Words cannot express what i felt yesterday.

I still have the light stick on my desk. Though its not shining already. Will probably keep it longer.

Circle of Life Recording. Get from me if you want. Or click here. I mean http://us.f1f.yahoofs.com/bc/7909865d/bc/MP3/Circle+Of+Life+07082005.mp3?bfU729CBYUsmgaVk
be prepared. This recording is not a professionally done one. Haha. if u hear voices talking, well, expected yar?

I have Luk luk and Salmo recordings, the primary school items too. Any takers?

Chee Hang...
reminiscing about the good times... again...

Highs And Lows

Performed with cat high again for Elegance. for those who were there, u will certainly know all that has happened. shall i say it was a night of highs and lows, where the quality meets those who are sub standard, and those who impress will continue to do so, and those who shame will have their names forever engraved in the hall of shame.

shall comment further maybe tmr.

Some people are just kiasu...

Sheez... dropped by school today AFTER the scholarship day, and i saw J1s and sec 4s walking OUT of school... obviously from the scholarship fair... ok, so let's do some simple maths. for a student, they end jc life at the age of 18. then they go to uni at 19 (or 21 for guys). so, for J2s, it would be one year (or 3) away. for J1s, its 2 (4). for sec4s, its 3 (5). so my conclusion is,

the j1s and sec4s are like super kiasu larh!!!

haiyoh, people like me never go for scholarship day one, and i'm a j2 lorz. sheez... oh wells, still debating if i really want to apply for a teaching scholarship. i need help. i havent done the traditional 'pros and cons' list so maybe i will. someday. heh.

i can hear from the room the music from black beauty... so nice... ive read the story before (not the real thick thick one, some children's story book think 'ladybug' kind...) and up till now, i will still always think about how disadvantaged animals are, and how bullyish humans are. which brings me to the sad conclusion that humans are probably the most pathetic bunch of beings on earth. we are dependant on so many things just to survive, and then we take everything for granted. sighs.

the violins... ahhh... interlinked with the thoughts of dear black beauty...

and just now my sister had to ask 'is the black one black beauty?' when the other horse around it was ginger (and u know it isnt black). oh wells. as i said. humans.

ok larh... maybe not but then...

lalalalalalala

National day coming. the first holiday since the start of term 3. its been a busy busy term and i really cant believe im still alive. Ha. and after this wednesday then its another mad rush for 3 weeks then prelims!!! then after that A's are coming. oh my gosh. so fast. i cant believe it.

and i can still remember PSLE so vividly...

-jackson

Lalalala

It feels good to be singing again...

no, i'm not referring to the aca one with 4 people... more like the choir with close to 100 people. Yes. it was this feeling that came to me when i stepped into the auditorium again, knowing that once again i'm going to step onto the stage barefooted and open my mouth as part of the 100 people. its where all competition stops, and u strive to do your best. it is where the discipline lies, the quality, and the sheer force of it all. its the love of music. its the knowledge knowing that u are no longer yourself, but once again back with EB choir. yes. ah i miss my choir days...

do i really sound that nostalgic?

maybe its leong. Ha. he was obviously in a better mood today that the seniors came back, and the church choir was there too, and the whole choir was in great spirits.

i missed the discipline. sighs. i wonder where it has gone to in todays teenagers.

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it will be some time before i really know what i want, what i want to do. where i want to be, what matters, who matters, where it matters. im going around these days in a daze, seriously not in a good state of mind. esp when i stoned thru maths lec, physics tutorial, and was busy keeping myself awake by crapping and being lame during music lec. Heh. if u happen to borrow my notes, ... maybe just dun borrow my notes. unless u need to liven up and have a good laugh.

speaking of lame... mei mei take care hor...

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i think ive all but decided on my plans at the end of this year. wonderful timing for everythign to happen around the same time but bleahx i dun really know...

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im impressing the wrong bunch of people. people who dun matter. oh no.

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im super busy these few days! this genius has succesfully managed to screw up the schedule again heh oh wells i think i can get used to it, hopefully i'll wake up tmr feeling better and not so flu-yi... i took flu medicine this morning, and i had two cans of coffee to try to stay awake in school which is like.. real bad. heh.

and i still didnt manage to be fully awake...

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oh no. revision? huh? what revision? people all around me are starting revision, and i'm still buzzing around doing everything but the one thing that matters: prep for Prelims and A's. Heh. i need to start.

maybe tmr.

and then tmr i'll say maybe tmr.

tmr never comes...

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tmr is saturday again. heh. my favourite day of the week. Hahaha...

i think i'll like this sunday quite a lot.

and monday too.

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and yar sure, everything's just fine.

-jackson

Future...

I was flipping through my diary during GP on monday, found that there was not one week that i didnt write anything in at all. gosh. i'm damn busy larh, even in the hols. what the... I don't even have time for myself? sighs...

There's something about saturdays that makes me smile even on weeks that are bad. it's like the special day of the week for me. i've been out every singale saturdady already. just to name a few: movie, bbq, outing, concerts (watching and performing), fairs, running around, yada yada... one thing is that i never do any work on saturdays, then always rush on sundays, then start the week on monday tired and stressed, which speaks volumes for the rest of the week. heh. this weekend is yet another busy one, but good thing is that National day break coming. whew.

ooh... scholarships and uni and all that sort... discussed (more like they say and i listen) with my parents again... and it set me thinking -yet- again. is the uni cert really that important? if i HAVE to study, i dun want to do maths and physics again. it has to be music. performance, accompaniment, musicology, pedagogy, anything. i want to go US. have partly been psyco-ed into trying for Julliard (which is like almost imposs for me but still.. trying...) but not without scholarship. the $33085 tuition and board fees in US$ is just too much. i mean, yar if i work extra hard and i get a job within this two years probably i can afford to go overseas but i think this is mad. i'll need a scholarship.

but the only scholarship that ive been looking so far which can let me take music overseas is a teaching scholarship. but that's a 6-year bond. SIX!!! that means i would have sold my life to the education system, probably teaching alongside mrs chee and mr gooi oh my gosh. and there goes my dreams of being rich and famous. Looking at all the music teachers around in school, life seems quite, erm, bad. and even if i get out of the system, will i end up JUST being a piano teacher? of course, it does sound good to have a stable job waiting when u come home from US but cheh. do i really want that? and if i cant convince myself that i want to teach, how will i convince the interviewers and get that scholarship? and all that talk my CT has been discouragin us from taking teaching scholarships... sighs...

oh well. one good thing. for all those who plan to go to Julliard and havent taken SATs, dun fret. not needed. Ha.

and today, my mum just asked me, why not try australia unis? its nearer. Heh. sighs. Australia? music? doesnt really go together. u hear more about uk and us. and uk now ah, sighs so unsafe. oh wells. what's australia really like? if i ever go to aus, wat i really want is a house along the great ocean road. where only the sea separates the southern-most point of aus and the antartica. i went up in a helicopter at that great ocean road before, it was really damn nice. i want to live there. away from everything. ahhh... studies? sighs...

ok still got work to do...

jackson