Some people lie because they think it doesnt matter. Some people lie because they think it won't be found out. Some people lie because they want to get away with something. Some people lie to push the blame to others. Some people lie to sabotage. Some people lie to get help. Some people lie to get people to like them. Some people lie to become popular. Some people, however, lie because they are considerate, because the past hurts, the truth hurts. Thank you. Although it is not necessary, and i can take it, it does warm my heart to know that you care. Don't ask me how i found out, u should know cos u're quite careless urself. But still, thank you. You might want to know there isnt a need to anymore. I have gotten over it.
Lies. The way to cover up a lie, is to tell another lie, and yet another, and yet another, until u are in it too deep to get out. I have faced so many lies in my whole life, and i cannot say whether im impressed or disgusted by how easily some people can lie just like -that-.
Sometimes, lies are necessary. There is one thing that i've been consistently lying to myself about, because the truth hurts. And there is one thing that i've been lying to some others about, because the truth is too sensitive, and i do not want to know the outcome of telling the truth. Those that i lie to probably know i am lying, but thanks for not saying that out loud.
Lies. If u say something to urself enough times, it becomes real. Its like how u keep saying, i walked 90Km today, and true enough, u feel so tired by it soon, and u keep telling people that u really did walk 90km. oh wells wad to do.
of course its not so simple, some things are worse. but then again, i dunno whether to be amused or wad by the state of our minds to make the false the truth just by hearing it enough times. Its no longer 'seeing is believing', but 'hearing enough times is believing'. -sighz-
shocking. how some lives are just so fragile, and just disappear just like -that-. is there afterlife? will i be able to know before i encounter it myself? death is such a sensitive topic around me, it almost never gets brought up. is there anyone who can safely say, they are not afraid of dying at all, and they have no regrets for it? i believe it can never prepare myself for death if i know its going to happen tomorrow. so many things undone, so many things unsaid. so many things unaccomplished! ergh. sighz. life is too short, too precious, yet sometimes a waste of time, cos when we die, we bring nothing along. u come into this world with nothing and leave with nothing. is it worth it fighting so much for ur life? when u are going to lose everything? are all the money in the world worth it? are all those achievments worth it at all? do we realli need them?
so many questions, but how many can be answered, if any, at all? i cant answer them myself. i cant even explain why i do so many things now, when i know life is so short. is it just ego, or a desperate cling onto something which i'll eventually lose? im losing a battle, that is for sure, is there a need to hold on to my rifle and shoot one more person before i go down?
are all my achivements going to waste? all those money spent on me, fees, exams, medical fees, luxuries... sighs.
Yay. Finally have a long weekend coming up. April is almost over whoa a whole month of no hols i cant believe it. but yesh, May. I Love may. starts wif a holiday how better can things get? ok maybe june. Haha.
Is this going to be another long entry? haha we all wonder don't we?
This week has been full of ups and downs yet again. oh no. its so exciting isnt it. bleahx i was being sarcastic. i still cant believe wednesday night i actually stayed up to do GP essay, Vertical Motion, Discrete Random Variables, Continuous Random Variables, Charged Particles, Compo and GP and Continuous and Charged Particles were not needed at all. sheez. but this time i stayed up, it felt much worse than any other time. damn. im getting old. or weak. or maybe its because i forgot to have breakfast, and was too lazy to go and have lunch. so it was like dinner wed followed by dinner thurs. by physics prac at noon i was feeling damn bad was tearing alraedy. physics prac was major bad man. cldnt understand any single thing. copied my readings and faked thru everthing else. argh. gp was prob as bad. i wasnt listening at all it was on religion sheez. i have many things to say but it wld sound damn bad. ok im not against anyone here but i just do not believe in all this. sorry.
then argh had to happen on my worst day somany things aiya to save further arguments shall not say here. those who know will know. those who are fated to know will know. those who are not fated, too bad.
fate, sheez. a lot of things, i credit to fate. why some things happen. Like my condition right now, nothing pleasing. Its something which i dare not say to anyone, ending up bottling up inside me, its not making me feel any better. maybe its just fate that its something i cant realli talk about. maybe its fate too that it happened to me and not to some other guy in the street. sheez.
oh syf. congrats to chamber, guitar, dances... all those gold, and some wif honours. congrats congrats, all hard work paid off. to the groups that havent, continue striving, im sure u'll all do rj proud. =) CO, chorale, band yes jia you!!!
i miss syf, the preparation, the feeling when u stand on stage facing the judges, singing ur all (actually singing just nice haha), feeling all those late nights paying off, bonding wif all ur members. i miss all that. sheez. why. i feel so empty right now, that's why i havent been around congratulating pple on their golds and all that. i feel left out. very. sheez. im not saying that i regret quitting chorale though. yar probably if im still in there rigtht now i wld be complainging about all those hours put in.
and theres something i realli agree wif mr lim on this. the music mr lim. haha. so rich a school, so many good trainers and conductors and instructors, how to not do well? but i'll take it wif a pinch of salt tho. its due to hardworking students too.
i want to shine again. my moment has probably gone but i want another one. is it that much to ask? i feel that im being boxed in, not given enough chances and opportunities that i deserve! this is SO unfair! but life is unfair... haiz... i look around i see so many lucky people. ok i consider myself lucky too but luckier pple around. and also not so lucky pple. cant we all be equal, not have anything to fight against, nothing to compete against? but that's wistful thinking isnt it.
it is going to be may. hmm why do i mention that? doesnt realli matter what month it is anyways no point haha. ok im rambling.
this is a long weekend. bleahx. ive a feeling im going to slack it off.
haha failed my own audition yay. so mad.
fell out wif some pple over the week. or some person. damn. now we're not even talking. heck. can do without.
i keep my phone in sight a lot? oh wells. probably cos my leg's numb can never feel vibrations. and sometimes msges are improtant, esp when pple try to reach me early in the morning.
argh please dun suan me or tease me in the morning. no point, i cant respond. too tired.
relations wif high up people. do we realli need these connections to survive? i wonder.
haha saw a guybeing interoggated by 5 girls today about his views on husband and wife and careers and such. lucky me, the only other guy around was safe. heh. im not about to discuss that in detail here lest i die.
but still wat i tried to say this afternoon was true. i realli didnt mind if i married a rich wife and i was the so called house-husband. i mean, who cares? image problems? what kind of image do i have right now anyway? yar i wasnt saying that to be safe, it was real.
some J1s are damn nice, some are damn bad. im blessed to know both kinds. some are too irritating but whocares now. i have 6 more months to go. b4 im out for a study break. and another one more b4 i escape school totally, andprepare for ns.
argh i need a break.
rest well, dun overtire urself. somethings are better left undone. don need to rush everything. listen to me for once k?
perhaps one day, we will all understand what we are going through... what we think what we do who we meet what we say how we do things why we do things.
perhaps one day, i will understand my own situation. is it one where it is just a test of time, to just let things go on and it will all turn out to be fine? is it one where i have to cut a road through the forest myself, instead of going on the already laid path? is it one where i have to wait, alone, while everyone passes by without giving me much of a glance? is it one where i have a part in everything, but also nothing at all?
sometimes, when u have things to do, things to fulfil, datelines to meet, missions to accomplish, feelings and emotions are never good to come in the way. for what they do is just cloud your vision, blur the way, and darken things. feelings are never to be trusted, until they are tested. for u never know when something is just a fantasy, or something else. probably, the feelings in you are hampering you, making u handicapped, be a stone in ur path, tripping you, tricking you.
sometimes, wrong... many times, things are not the way they seem. take faith in that. it used to be i believe if i see it. now, i refuse to believe things i see. sometimes things happen that way and its just too traumatising. and somethings just make u feel bad, guilty, or lost. a feeling of loss too. its not good to have to live through a feeling of losing some things. it never is, and i wonder why. perhaps it is in all of us, to take for granted that we will always have wad we have, and we never prepare for the time when it has to be go. naive thoughts. learn. grow up.
grow up. i cant believe it. i still remember things from primary school as though it were yesterday. yet here i am, already 18 and almost 3 months, 4 months into JC2. it is hard to belief that my school life would almost be over. of course, theres something called higher education but more on that later. i hate being old actually. maybe its the responsibility of being grown up, being the oldest around, having to set an example. same thing as being a leader of a pack. spotlight is on you dear, and u better perform. sheez. i always wished i were younger, having seniors, or elder siblings, to show me a path, to comfort me when i fall, and to tell me that things will get better, because they have experienced it. most times, it is me who do all this, and i hate that. its always others before me, why? why?
ive realised that i have always been serving others rather than myself. in my mind its always others who come first, never myself. i always work my schedules around others'. just see. ask me anyday when i can come down for a meeting or rehearsal. i'll almost never say 'let me check my schedule and i'll get back to you' or even things like 'lets see when i feel up to it.' (if i ever say all this its a joking me.) i will say thigns like, when can u make it? when do you want it? YOU YOU YOU! never me. sheez why am i so kind.
am i too nice? that others are always taking advantage of me? should i be more assertive, be more fierce? be more demanding? do things for myself for a change. have things done in my favour for a change.
sheez. i'll never survive in a corporate world.
i'll never survive higher education mann. means theres a high chance im not going anywhere. heh. studies is probably the last thing i want to do. for me, studies is a long term investment, which is something that i can say safely that theres nowhere that investment is going. the thigns i do are short term. i cannot afford to think ahead. fated never to be able to. sheez. can i change all that...
i want to splurge. i want to enjoy things. which is not possible when i dun get sleep at all. my days now are a rush from here to there, then on and on. never stopping. do i deserve all this? when people are playing games at home, or at LAN, im doing work. maybe i should drop even more things. like school. haha. no. not good. no wait. maybe its good. if not for that $500++ thats going to be paid for A's end of this year. i shld have dropped out when i had the chance to. stupid bets that i made, promises, that now i regret.
decisions. i hate making them. i never seem to get them right.
everything i do, i step on someone's tail. and its not somepeople. its just this group of people, whom i presume have something against me perpetually. can i scold you here? -scolding- you are those who decide that EVERYTHING i do is not good enough. EVERYTHING i say is a pain to you. if u hate me so much, fine. its only another month or so until we finally get to part ways. can i congratulate u in advance, that u will never have to cross my path again. or i shall never have to cross you. if we ever do, i'll pretend i dunno you.
gosh this blog is turning into complains and complains. ramblings. i hate that. theres no content. boring stuff. like this chinese novel 'wisely' im reading now. like schubert. argh. no no no.
maybe it is not to be.
perhaps, i can never be the person who is in your minds, the leader with the great vision, the uncle who can show the way, the brother who can protect you, the friend who can be with you. perhaps what i need, or who i need, is a leader in front of me with a great vision, an adult who can show me the way, an older sibling to protect me, and a greater friend, who can go through thick and thin with me. yes.
and by the way, dun keep thinking that my life is fantastic.
In acceptance, there's peace. Quite right. I found out that in my turmoil (if i can use that word at all) the past few weeks, has all been caused by my inner self, not willing to accept the truth, and wanting more, for better or for worse who knows. It's partly caused by two sides of myself fighting each other, one telling me to ask for more, to grab chances, to take risks, to trod again on a path where i've fallen before. The other part of me tells me to wait, to be safe, to not commit the same mistake, to live in a state of unknown, rather than a state of knowing the truth, where the truth might hurt. and i have been wanting to give in to my first state of mind, but i have not. battling with myself is not easy. i have let myself act on impulse before, to take the risk, and the outcome has not been pleasant. the road of recovery from that unpleasantness has not been easy, but i have come through it. although i cannot say that i will completely be at ease with what has happened before, i can safely say that i will not be affected, and that everything seems normal now. but it has not been easy, and im not about to go through it all over again. why not... it seems so nice and perfect, so right, and i am almost quite sure i'll get it right this time. and the only thing holding me back, is actually not just one thing. or rather one person. its persons, people, who makes me unsure, whose presence is enough to warn me of repercussions if it does not work out. and although the present is difficult, is challenging, is saddening, is traumatising, i will accept it. because even if theres a chance that it will become better, theres an equal chance of it being worse. why traumatising, why saddening? think... imagine when u know something is within reach, yet when u touch it, its so fragile. u do not know if that fragile thing will just break because its not settled yet (think of and art piece just finished) or is it done completely, and will become better in ur hands. yes, that may not be a perfect or even good analogy, but it helps. and i cannot bring myself to just quote my situation.. its just too unsettling.
things have changed. perhaps its because of human nature, that u will become bored of everything after some time. maybe its not human nature, but chee hang nature. whatever it is, certainly, things have changed. for now i do not feel the excitement, i do not feel the anticipation. although it is still enjoyable, it no longer is on my top priority. of course, as of now nothing else may be even more important, but when the time comes, i will make the choice, and i will not choose this. and i may have unwittingly made that choice a few times before already. for i have not seeked to turn into this direction where i have done so many times before in these past few months. certain times the last few weeks i have turned another direction, and i have not regretted it. of course, i do look back and wonder if it would have been better if i followed my actions of the months before, but wells... is it boredom, is it a feeling that says its all over, the interesting beginning is actually not a beginning, but an end? is it over before i know it has begun?
i have found strength. to refrain from opening my mouth, to stop myself from acting on pure instinct, to control myself when i most want to ask if i can be involved, and to make myself go off instead of waiting for something that may not even happen. probably because my knowledge is not enough, and i know how foolish and how disappointed i will be when i find that i am wrong, and how i do not want that to happen. instead, i now live in a world that is full of neutralities, paths where i certainly will not regret, no matter how boring it may be. it is not the correct path, but it is the peaceful path. had i chosen to go the other path, i probably would have stood like an idiot there, waiting for it to happen. of course, if it happens, good for me. but half the time it happens, more unexpected things come and im disturbed, and i would have been better off not knowing whether it would have happened. other times, it doesnt happen, and i just feel like crying.
ignorance is bliss. how true. when one is oblivious to the surroundings completely, one will not see the evil and sin coming to them, and will walk a path free from worry. even if disaster may struck, u can safely say that i never knew it comes, and since it has come i have no regrets cos i know i couldnt have prevented it. perhaps i should take that stand? to make sure i know nothing, to ignore all around me? can i possibly succeed in this, am i strong enough to do so?
many a times i see a face, smiling straight at me, such innocence, so purity, so childlike. and i wonder do i reflect that same face on my own face? or do i show a face of worry, of fear, of a reluctance to accept the furtune that i am now enjoying?
i am waiting for a signal, a signal to tell me that it is time, and i can start what i hope to finish. perhaps it is just a passing phase now, that things are not the same. for everything that goes up will come down. i hope that what is happening is not at the negative gradient part of a negative quadratic function, but at the lowest point of a sine curve, and will go up again. of course i cannot ask that it stays up all the time. nothing does. a sine curve is best: what goes up comes down, and goes up again. i'll be happy to accept that.
when will that come?
am i already in the since curve, or still in a -x^2 curve? i hope its the former, not the latter. cos i cant imagine another place, another circumstance, another time, where the sine curve exists. and i am not about to give up hoping for a sine curve now...
it has been a few days since i've actually talked to someone. its been a few months since i have realli had the chance to sit down,and pour myself out. its been years, since i have ever been with the comfort of someone close, who can listen to me, and help me understand the path i have taken, and help me go on. in my circle of friends now, there are people who can understand me, but i do not go to them. perhaps it is a matter of distrust, perhaps it is a matter of just not knowing what to expect, what the reaction will be. whatever it is, i have bottled up everything inside me, and put up a shield from everyone. will i get over it? perhaps it is the environment that makes me uneasy. i do not know. but few will understand my predicament.
by the way, i've got a band 2 for my project work. wonder why. but i do not feel disappointment, unlike when i got my chinese o's results 2 years back. wow has it realli been that long. i still remember how i could not accept the fact that its a 2 and not a 1, but now i am feeling wierdly peaceful. perhaps really, in acceptance there is peace.
time flies. i hope for the past, i was feeling pure bliss at the end of last year, helping out others, hanging out wif frens whom i felt were perfect friends. special people, special moments, those are the times i will remember. if i ever look back, i will always see last year, two times in fact, with 2 different circumstances, but the same feeling. only that the first one ended due to clumsiness, the second will die down, but never end because i am threading a thin line here, and i lean to the side of safety, err on the side of caution.
look at the time... its 5.45... haha what am i doing here? i normally even wake up at 6.40 on school days haha... and now here i am listening to Tan Dun music... haha could be quite fun...
Yay the grad ceremony photos arrived... a few days back actually but i havent had the chance to blog yet... so cool. yay! that was the 2nd time i wore a grad robe haha. first was kindergarten hehheh
tired... wanna sleep...
oh i realised my grades were nothing to be proud of anymore, after that dramatic drop for physics. haha. oh wells, but still i am lucky for my other subs. hhey there's symmetry in my grades, about physics which was my worst. mm. 2 subs have been consistently improving: FM and music (which went like +1 every exam haha). Maths is hovering around a range of marks, went up then back down again to my first CT marks. haha. GP too. Physics went from C to A to E. heh. not bad. got ACE!
mm PE Junior Scholars can be fun! haha. had quite an interesting dinner wif them on tuesday.
ah... the wonders of life... clouds. for those who walk to school around 7.30++, look up. sometimes u'll be amazed.
yes, thats the title of my blog. i was wondering, why do i put that as the title? do i realli mean to do reflections here? and what keyboard, the one with black and white keys, or this black one wif letters and numbers?
i realise that these days, ive been posting things that i wld complain about on my blog. i sound like a child. i sound as though im meaning someone to read all this.
maybe i am, maybe im not. but then again... who knows, if even i don;t?
i realise that all these things i so-called 'reflect' about, are not wonderful things, nor happy things. in fact ive been pretty negative. down, sad, disappointed, unhappy. why? i dun even know. is it because of stress? is it because of problems? is it because of too many confusing things happening? is it because of my big mouth that cant keep secrets? is it because of some people? is it because its me, as always?
actually, if u dun even know me well, u wun even spot that im moody. ive always been putting a false front in front of others... i may have said this before, but it has always been my belief that there's no point i dun bother others wif my stuff. the only few times ive actually let evrything go and shouted at others, and i never recover. i guess that cant be helped...
now ive made a decision.
im never going to show any other sadder things. not here too. its going to be smooth sailing, postitive things ive encountered during the day. i'll be happier too. i guess. i hope.
so lets see... wad happened today that was good...
haha i learnt 2 more bars of ravel. eeks so hard. i did 2 maths s questions. i went esplanade and found nothing. which is good cos my bag won't be heavy. went shopping haha. ate Hershey's Sundae Pie @ BK. yumm.
how come all this have to happen at the same time. this is so stressful.
first... all the best for EBC's syf tmr. this is an especially trying time for all of you, more than any other syf, but im sure u guys will manage. pray hard, and be ur best tmr. i'll be awaiting the good news.
next... argh... my luck has finally run out. guess wad. i failed physics. how nice. just yesterday i lost the ring. im so gonna get slaughtered. and just now i got scolded. and then im feeling so down, i just broke down. second time in just a few days. why. i reached home about 5 minutes ago, feeling useless. why. why do i feel so much stress, and there's nowhere to release it. why do i get all the pressure. people can go play lan after school but where do i go, sit in front of a piano keyboard. must this always be the case? why do i have to do all this? can i just give all this up? bleahx. no one understands. partly this is why i never tell anyone all this. everyone thinks im damn free, cos i never study, and i never lan. and i have no tv in the hall means i dun watch. doing music, playing piano is relaxing to everyone else. no i cant stand all this. i want to be able to go out, to play, to just stand under the sun and breathe the air. not choke over it. my nose is failing me. my fitness is dropping at an alarming rate. barely 1 round and i was panting like mad today. and its not because i dun train. haiz. no one will understand. will you, the person who is reading this? u dun have thousands of medical conditions on u that cos u to think twice, thrice about everything u do. and u dun have to consider anything when u make plans, especially considering whether u will be around to fulfil them. u dun think whether u are going to waste millions of dollars when u pursue something new, or take yet another expensive exam. no. no such things go on in a mind of a carefree, innocent kid.
i have lost faith in myself. where has my self-esteem gone.
That's a paperweight, in case u cant see from my poor photography. i bought this two days ago. its very nice, double layered, with shells, pearls, and a flower. its plastic, not glass nor silicon. big. nice. sweet. guess who made it? the following should give u a clue...
Yes, inmates. i went to the prison school the other day. saw how they managed to actually run a school in a prison, in a medium-security infrastructure. how the prison school is a privilege, and they get more freedom there. how its an opportunity for them to change. how they all look very nice, and not like the inmates that we imagine them to be. how they do their N's, O's and A's in one year when we take forever. How they can still score A. How they sleep in dorms, not called cells. how 20 pple can fit into a classroom sized room to sleep. How everywhere is locks. How every corner u see a uniformed guard. How they have high-tech coms. How they get to read the full Straits Times. How they get to do NYAA as well. How they get to do gardening, cooking, be tour guides. How they cant use the internet, and thus set up an intranet. How they have a mini library that is substantial enough.
eye opener.
i could go on and on. but is it worth me saying, and u not seeing? no. too bad.
saw this early this morning: the mist... so beautiful.
But dont the train and buildings just change everything. Haiz. i see this kind of thing every morning, maybe not as misty. i look out and see the forest. or the park. but its an undeveloped area of land. then i walk abit mroe and i see the train. and the building.
i want the nature.
oh wells.
lacking inspiration to do compo. have just finished revising sea fever, thanks to someone who said that it could sound like a chinese pop. hey sir, not every compo should be like urs do u know that. damn it if u want to mould everything into this stupid set and dead mindset u have, get lost. if u're going to fault us on all these inconsequential, and stupid things, get out. damn im not happy at all. he had to spoil my day, on an already quite bad mood day, early in the morning.
I'm Chee Hang. I'm currently serving NS, and I'm also part of the Catholic High School Choir
alumni, the Edward Becheras Vocale.
My favourite colour is blue.
My favourite composer is Beethoven.
My favourite music(s) are powerful.
My favourite food is anything edible and nice.
I like to help people.
I am childish.
I am still a kid, although already 19. Young at heart =o)
