perhaps

perhaps one day, we will all understand what we are going through...
what we think
what we do
who we meet
what we say
how we do things
why we do things.

perhaps one day, i will understand my own situation.
is it one where it is just a test of time, to just let things go on and it will all turn out to be fine?
is it one where i have to cut a road through the forest myself, instead of going on the already laid path?
is it one where i have to wait, alone, while everyone passes by without giving me much of a glance?
is it one where i have a part in everything, but also nothing at all?


sometimes, when u have things to do, things to fulfil, datelines to meet, missions to accomplish, feelings and emotions are never good to come in the way. for what they do is just cloud your vision, blur the way, and darken things. feelings are never to be trusted, until they are tested. for u never know when something is just a fantasy, or something else. probably, the feelings in you are hampering you, making u handicapped, be a stone in ur path, tripping you, tricking you.

sometimes, wrong... many times, things are not the way they seem. take faith in that. it used to be i believe if i see it. now, i refuse to believe things i see. sometimes things happen that way and its just too traumatising. and somethings just make u feel bad, guilty, or lost. a feeling of loss too. its not good to have to live through a feeling of losing some things. it never is, and i wonder why. perhaps it is in all of us, to take for granted that we will always have wad we have, and we never prepare for the time when it has to be go. naive thoughts. learn. grow up.

grow up. i cant believe it. i still remember things from primary school as though it were yesterday. yet here i am, already 18 and almost 3 months, 4 months into JC2. it is hard to belief that my school life would almost be over. of course, theres something called higher education but more on that later. i hate being old actually. maybe its the responsibility of being grown up, being the oldest around, having to set an example. same thing as being a leader of a pack. spotlight is on you dear, and u better perform. sheez. i always wished i were younger, having seniors, or elder siblings, to show me a path, to comfort me when i fall, and to tell me that things will get better, because they have experienced it. most times, it is me who do all this, and i hate that. its always others before me, why? why?

ive realised that i have always been serving others rather than myself. in my mind its always others who come first, never myself. i always work my schedules around others'. just see. ask me anyday when i can come down for a meeting or rehearsal. i'll almost never say 'let me check my schedule and i'll get back to you' or even things like 'lets see when i feel up to it.' (if i ever say all this its a joking me.) i will say thigns like, when can u make it? when do you want it? YOU YOU YOU! never me. sheez why am i so kind.

am i too nice? that others are always taking advantage of me? should i be more assertive, be more fierce? be more demanding? do things for myself for a change. have things done in my favour for a change.

sheez. i'll never survive in a corporate world.

i'll never survive higher education mann. means theres a high chance im not going anywhere. heh. studies is probably the last thing i want to do. for me, studies is a long term investment, which is something that i can say safely that theres nowhere that investment is going. the thigns i do are short term. i cannot afford to think ahead. fated never to be able to. sheez. can i change all that...

i want to splurge. i want to enjoy things. which is not possible when i dun get sleep at all. my days now are a rush from here to there, then on and on. never stopping. do i deserve all this? when people are playing games at home, or at LAN, im doing work. maybe i should drop even more things. like school. haha. no. not good. no wait. maybe its good. if not for that $500++ thats going to be paid for A's end of this year. i shld have dropped out when i had the chance to. stupid bets that i made, promises, that now i regret.

decisions. i hate making them. i never seem to get them right.

everything i do, i step on someone's tail. and its not somepeople. its just this group of people, whom i presume have something against me perpetually. can i scold you here? -scolding- you are those who decide that EVERYTHING i do is not good enough. EVERYTHING i say is a pain to you. if u hate me so much, fine. its only another month or so until we finally get to part ways. can i congratulate u in advance, that u will never have to cross my path again. or i shall never have to cross you. if we ever do, i'll pretend i dunno you.

gosh this blog is turning into complains and complains. ramblings. i hate that. theres no content. boring stuff. like this chinese novel 'wisely' im reading now. like schubert. argh. no no no.

maybe it is not to be.

perhaps, i can never be the person who is in your minds, the leader with the great vision, the uncle who can show the way, the brother who can protect you, the friend who can be with you. perhaps what i need, or who i need, is a leader in front of me with a great vision, an adult who can show me the way, an older sibling to protect me, and a greater friend, who can go through thick and thin with me. yes.

and by the way, dun keep thinking that my life is fantastic.

-ch