Don't bother.

For as long as I remember, I have never been good with self control. In my outbursts, in my mood, in everything. In times of stress, and tire, I explode, quite easily.

Can I attribute it to stress, and let it be? Or am I just too tired to even bother?

These days, there are a lot of things which I do, and then wonder why. A lot of actions go unexplained. Not because I didn’t try to. On the contrary. I have been searching for the reasons for all these things that I am doing. The people I hang out with. The things I agree to. The thousand and one different things I take up. The image I try to project. The people I avoid. The detours I take. The times I spent doing nothing. The eccentricity in me.

Can I easily say stress? Or is there more to it?

What pressure is on me, nobody knows and nobody understands. I feel bad, stuck, compressed. There is no way out, except live through it, cross my fingers and hope to survive. Seriously.

What am I worried about? Am I asking a question you would have asked anyway? So, what? Seriously, I also do not know. The compo recording is over. Though I’d still like to record my first work but that would have to be after prelims I guess. And yes I still need to edit my recordings so that they sound nice. Hols. All these, in time to come. All planned. So it’s not compo I’m worried about…

Studies? Okay, apart from being seriously lagging in my class on Maths tutorial, not understanding half the F Maths topics, not knowing anything about physics except the mechanics, and not knowing if I have the stamina to carry on doing anything, I am not worried about my studies. Really. I’m not being sarcastic or anything. For 12 years in the Singapore school system, never mind my opinion about it, I have never once worried about my studies. Yar, ego, look at where I am now. So, is it the post studies? As in, the Uni stuff and such…do I care? Maybe. Now that I’m half convinced I really need a degree. A cert. Half convinced. But no, not that.

Is it how enriching my life is? Cos seriously, going to school everyday doesn’t seem that fun. Which is why I dun care if I miss school or go late. So I want to enrich my life. Where do I go for that? I want a life outside of books and tutorials. Where?

Is it music, where I find solitude, and a place to hide away? Is it in my friends, or should I call them my friends?

Day after day, I hear bits and snippets of conversations between others, about me. And it is, well, shall I say, not that pleasing. I really hate it when people talk about me. Why not talk to me?

Sometimes things do have a limit. I went mad today. If mad is appropriate enough. Sorry. I bet none of you have ever seen me explode before. Things have limit. There are limits to how far things can go. There’s a limit to how much I can take. Sure, I’m not that serious a guy myself. Childish, playful, mischievous, annoying, irritating, u name it. All these in the outside, and I never seem to frown, or lose my smile.

But inside, I’m a sensitive person. Who says a guy is strong, always? I’m a human, I am sensitive, I have emotions. When things hit hard, I don’t like it. Some jokes, sure, I can take. Some sensitive jokes, yar sure, I can take them.

But some things, no. Not when u are inconsiderate and have to joke about things that mean a lot to me. These things, you take for granted, but there are things that you have, and others don’t. I don’t have the luxury of a lot of things, if you haven’t noticed. Maybe because it is this lack, that in some ways life is making up for its unfairness, and grant me so many other things that I feel honoured and lucky to have. Think about it.

I dun fancy going into another long winded entry, and a rather violent one at that. I’ve had enough. Maybe, just maybe, if I isolate myself, and not talk to anyone, all these troubles will go away. I’ve never talked to anyone about anything. Should I even think about starting? If u must ask, and u really want an answer, you will get an answer like ‘yes, I’m okay. I dun want to talk about it. There’s nothing to talk about.’ I can’t trust myself, can’t trust my mouth. Much less trust you enough to tell you anything. Prove me wrong.

There are a lot of people I envy. A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z. That’s just a few to talk about. But these people probably envy me back. So what’s the point?

I’m seriously thinking of ponning the whole week next week. I hate you, you and you enough for me to miss the revisions and do it at my own time, and pace.

Some lessons can be quite discouraging, especially when you put in so much effort, only to see that someone else just simply shines because it is in their nature to do so, and even when they are not performing that well they get the good job from the teacher. Yar fine, yes you are capable. But am I in any way less so? What was the 4-5 hours of work put in for? Just for the teacher to scold away?

This sucks.

What am I talking about, should u even care? Do you even care?

Prove me wrong. Show me. Give me a sign.

Life is unfair. I know. But who will truly want to hear me talk about it?