panic...

Oh, did i mention that Prelims started today? GP today... before the paper was commenting that i was banking on the arts question, followed by the education one, before the general topic. Let's see now, the arts question was "comment on the ... and ... of poetry". i went like HUH... then i thought, okay education. So, "Why do we study history if history keeps repeating itself?" And it was a double HUH. So i looked at the science question, marriage question, blah. in the end, i did the one on 'Criminals deserve a second chance too. Comment.' So there. gone for paper 1. all my quotes on arts wasted.

So paper 2. might be easier. praying hard for arts. then saw: politics/economics/poverty. it was on the poverty problem in Africa, and almost all the questions were on 'what does the writer intend you to understand by the inverted commas blah blah' bleahx. and the aq was damn hard: 'what would you suggest to the G8 summit to solve the problem of poverty in Africa? in your answer, you should comment on points made by the two authors and also your own points based on your experiences living in a post colonial nation state' i was like HELLO we are students, who cares about whether we are in a post colonial nation state at 18 years old? so wells, GP is gone.

So now, the next paper would be practical in the hols, followed by the rest of the written papers. i especially hate week 1 wed thursday. got all 4 subjects in just two days. bleahx. Physics FM, Music Maths. in that order. how bad can it get.

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How come EVERYONE tells me to think about it? i want solutions... i want you to tell me what to do. I hate making decisions. i think this is something genetic but still. TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! i dun wan to think for myself. That's why i'm in Science ... i hate it hate it hate it hate it. egrx.

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its not the best of feelings at 2 am in the morning when u suddenly awaken to a bad dream, a dream that seemed so real, a dream with music that sounded so sad and pathetic, that says of an ending, a departure, and not a grand one. a performance to an audience who cant be bothered to stay, a performance below whatever standards our predecessors, or even ourselves have set. a performance that would have dissapointed many. a performance that marks a sad ending to otherwise glorious moments.

i dun want things to end like that. i dun want my dream to come true. they have come true so many times that i am afraid to dream anymore. i never dream of happy days, of elation, of times when people rejoice. why? why? why? why do my dreams always show me my fears, the things that i dread most? why must my dreams always take away from me what means most to me?

i wish i could analyze dreams just like that.

just now i was sitting on the piano, playing rubbish again. improvising nothingness. yet, i couldnt bring myself today, to play fast tunes, to play something lively. it was all blues, with sadness in them, full of tragedy, and a sense of loss. i didnt know where i was going, not that i usually do, but this time i seemed to go around in circles and circles, and always end up with no solutions.

perhaps i'm too tired, too paranoid. dunno.

but i dun want to lose anything. just like that. its not fair.

please let it go on.

my time is not up yet. i hope. there is still a chance. there will be a time for me to go, but for once i'm hopeful that its later than sooner. i still have unaccomplished things. i still have hopes and dreams.

please, dun take it away from me.

ch