a year already. i don't believe it. ive survived, and things only got better. haha.
phantom of the opera... i hate the screenplay, hate christine. she sounds so 'small little girl who knows how to squeak from G1 to D2'. gosh is that too evil? okay, granted, she's an actor. oh wells. fine.
been spending too much time away from home. need a break AT HOME.
i hate employment. although, yes, its guaranteed money, but it leaves me with no time to other things. and i don't need another commitment, though i just said yes before i knew what i was yessing to. i really should stop doing things outside of school. its not that i need it, its just that im too ready to help. too helpful am i? so pardon me if u call me, and im not available to pick up the phone, or if u msg me and its another 6 hours before i reply, or u are chasing me for something that u think its important but certainly not top priority for me. cos if its top priority u need not chase already. but don't worry, things ive promised to do, i'll do. u dun have to doubt me on that.
the only time u'll be able to catch me is between 10pm and 1 am i guess. and i only wake up at 8.30 cos i need that sleep, and soon after that i'll probably be uncontactable by the general public. haha. general public i like the sound of that.
and im going to snap at people again. i can just feel it. things boiling up, building up inside me.
have to start work soon.
and stop fantasizing about everything, and stop dreaming... those things will never come true. no point thinking about them.
A red and perfect violin inspires passion, making its way through three centuries over several owners and countries, eventually ending up at an auction where it may find a new owner.
In present day Montreal, a famous Nicolo Bussotti violin, known as "the red violin," is being auctioned off. During the auction, we flash back to the creation of the violin in 17th century Italy, and follow the violin as it makes its way through an 18th century Austrian monastery, a violinist in 19th century Oxford, China during the Cultural Revolution, and back to Montreal, where a collector tries to establish the identity and the secrets of "the red violin."
Passion Is TimelessAn instrument of passion. A shocking secret. An extraordinary journey.
Read more reviews if u want to: just type The Red Violin and google it...
but anyways, for those who have never watched the film before, or will not want to watch it, here's a summary. for those who want to watch it, skip this whole paragraph.
the story begins with an auction of the red violin (duh). then flash back. the violin is made for the violin maker's unborn child. his wife gets her fortune read but doesnt realise its actually the violin's future, about the many journeys and trails. then the wife dies at childbirth, and the maker paints the violin red. then the violin ends up a century later in an orphanage where young Kaspar Weiss takes it up, and Goerges Poisson spots this young wonder, and takes him to Vienna. He trains Weiss to perfection, then as he goes for an audition, he heart conditions catches up wif him and Weiss collapses in front of the prince. The violin is buried with him but is stolen but grave diggers, and the violin ends up wif gypsies. Then Lord Frederic Pope gets hold of it from the gypsies, and he is inspired to perform better, until his life falls apart and he commits suicide. The violin then ends up in China during a culture revolution, where the owner has to hide the violin or face punishment (which she actually mets out to others.) she is found out by her son and is forced to leave the violin with an illegal music teacher, who soon after commits suicide and when he tries to hide the many instruments, and the stress overcomes him. The red violin is then passed on again. It ends up back in Montreal, whereby it is worked on to bring on a huge price at an auction. When it is discovered to be THE red violin, the person whom restored the violin exchanges it with another red violin during the auction and brings the actual red violin with him. He is the only one that uncovered the truth about the red varnish: it is actually the maker's wife's blood, painted on using her hair, after she died. The passion and love that is kept in this violin has been passed on for generations...
Another thing that struck me is how it is also cursed. Kaspar Weiss died, Frederic Pope died, the china guy died.. all because of the red violin. and how it will continue to affect others through the passion for music and a good violin. the fake red violin was sold for 2.5 million US dollars, and the buyer wld never know it was a fake.
Weiss slept with the violin every night, and Poisson said to him (this is a translation) --- to really be able to play your music, u must let go of it. u are enslaved by the violin. tonight you are sleeping alone! To which Weiss was utterly shocked.
And so do we all need to let go? Letting go… it seems to come up so many times to me these days… I received this last night… and its not for the first time I got it but still, it’s a reminder… and the line about how life is short struck me the hardest; as though i don't know that already. who's racing with time right now?
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised aglass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "Theabsolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour,I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have tocall an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I holdit, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carryour burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomesincreasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass ofwater, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don'tcarry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carryingnow, set them down for a moment if you can."
"Relax; pick them up laterafter you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!
And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probablyworth it. * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world toone person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty andsome are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but theyall have to live in the same box. * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And I dunno how much I see in all this, but definitely, I’ll try my best. Now that it’s the holiday anyways, I’ll have to let go of things. Not that I can see it happening, looking at the schedule on my wall. I kept telling myself, things will be better in the holidays. But work load has increased, stress levels higher, emotional strain greater… sighs. And I need physical training too… Gosh I’m going to need all the help I can get. I miss the laughter, the joy that I see in everything. I miss the optimism that has helped me through the toughest times. I miss the friends whom I can complain, and share my burden with. All these seem to have walked far away from me… why?
When I was out today, I kept my eyes open, to see a sign, that will tell me all is well. Well, it didn’t come. And now here I am, typing this, and in my head I hear this familiar song:
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away Now it seems as though they’re here to stay Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be There’s a shadow hanging over me Oh yesterday came suddenly.
Why she had to go I don’t know, she wouldn’t say. I said something wrong now I long for yesterday
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play Now I need a place to hide away Oh I believe in yesterday.
Funny, why this song just came up all of a sudden.
I just watched it today, on TV. cable. as in i recorded it from a long time ago, and my first in dunno how long plonking myself in front of the tv and i picked this out to watch.
and watched it with a certain sense of scepticism. Probably because its just me.
this story was about a guy named Eddie, who died right at the start of the show. He went to heaven, and met 5 different people in 5 different heavens, who answered his questions that were not answered when he was alive. He met a person whom he indirectly led to death, his captain from the war days who shot him to save him, but died himself anyway, the person who used to own this theme park where he worked, his wife, and finally a girl he killed but did not know during the war.
how did he die? the ride was about to plummet down, and he saw a small little girl at the bottom, so he dived forward and tried to save her, but he didnt know if he succeeded. he only recalled he touched her hands. and he asked each one of the 5 people, but the first four said they could not answer him. the last said that he saved her, but not pulled her but pushed her away. then he said, 'but i felt her hands!' and she said, 'it was my hands u felt, pulling u to heaven, to safety.'
in it, one of the persons, the third, told him something. why did she say so its because (argh long story) he felt angry about his father. but then he learnt the truth about his father's actions. then the lady said, 'no one is born with anger. anger comes from within, from what we keep to ourselves and build up within us.' which led him to forgive his father. anger. sighs.
the main point of the story is how one person is connected to the next, and his actions will affect the next's, whose actions will affect the next, and so on. and so its a whole chain. wow.
*****
I am having recurring dreams again. This time, its slightly more clear. Its always one person, but i dunno who. i have a feeling i recognise the person, and im quite sure its a she. haha. but i dunno who she is. and this time, im carrying her, walking across a building at night. then we exit the building, and its grass, then the road, then a hill. but all along, i dun feel her weight.
sighs. what do these dreams mean?
*****
something's missing in my life. i dunno what.
*****
sighs. i have been hoping for some better response, but it has never time. i wonder, is it because i havent done enough, or has others done more, or is the response not going to appear cos the person is just too happily living in the present?
*****
why does the good guy die?
*****
in some stories, in an attempt to show that fairytale love stories are not possible, they deviate from the normal stories, but end up with yet another fairytale. if life was that easy.
*****
Life is really short. Is there any point in doing all those things i am doing now? all these exams, jobs, people i meet, people i help... is it worth it?
i almost broke a promise just now. almost. im glad im still alive here, typing this, cos i am able to halt myself right before i step into the evil. aren't u proud of me. but in the first place, i should not have been tempted. it seemed so good, then i think of all the disappointments i will leave behind, all the things undone, and i stepped back. sorry. to myself, and to all those who have placed their trust in me.
*****
my health condition is catching up on me. i actually felt exhausted after all that activities in the evening. i cant believe it. probably the sleep that i lack. but now i still have so much to do, i dun believe its the hols. it doesnt seem like it.
Once upon a time, a little boy did so many things that he ended up wif an average of only 3 hours of sleep a day for one whole month. Finally, that month is over. And he lived happily ever after.
Yesh, holidays are finally here. Yay. I dun believe it. I actually survived the whole month of May. With this and that and what not, it was simply the most hectic month. And i'm glad its finally over, although June might not be that much better, but at least, i get to enjoy a day or two before i start again. I really must thank the people who made it possible for me to get through all this without giving up nor falling sick nor collapsing. If i had to go through all this stuff alone, i probably would not have survived to type this out. whew.
there's a sense of relief in me, and i just dunno how to put it in words. for once this year, i can just say that i am FREE for at least today. haha. Went out to watch Star Wars, without having watched the Episode 2 i was abit lost but wells. sitting in the 3rd row of the cinema wasnt exactly doing wonders for the neck and eyes, but the effect was quite nice i loved it. yes and i still think that anakin skywalker's hair isnt nice, he didnt look the part of a jedi. haha. when he turned to the dark side and put on the hood, he was more convincing, esp since he looks like a drug addict anyway haha. and when he finally was darth vader and put on that costume, i muz say, i never imagined (when i watched ep 4-6) that underneath all that he was just that sloppy person! bleahx. i still think he's best when he's hooded. Haha. oh wells. Obiwan kenobi wasnt that much better anyways, and i still dunno how to spell his name. Haha. i like the master from ep 4. older, more mature look, more jedi like. Mm.
though watching this episode itself there were a few issues that harped on me for quite some time. I hope that for those star wars fans who havent watched this wun blame me for revealing too much haha...
1) is the dark side always more powerful? it seems that evil always wins first, although the righteous and justice will prevail. but what is so attractive about the dark side, the evil side, that one can give up ur morals just to be there? for the power that wun last, for the joy that will be short lived. Which brings us to the next topic about the joy.
2) In the show, Skywalker turned to the dark side because he wanted the power to save his wife, to keep her from dying. All because he had this premonition that she would die on childbirth, which she eventually did. But the irony was, he led to her death because when he turned to the darkside, and she unwittingly led obiwan to him, he got angry and hurt her. Then she didn’t have the will to live anymore, and died on childbirth. Would she have survived if he didn’t turn to the dark side? Or would it be the same way?
Which leads me to this thing which I have pondered since the Matrix. Our paths are already set, and no matter what we do, we can never change them. Fate? Matrix seems to say that fate can be changed. Star wars seems to say not. I dunno. Its beyond me. I cant understand it, and still I always think that if I had done this differently, wld the outcome been diff? I wonder. And wonder again and again, but never had I an answer.
3) Yoda would have failed GP. Wrong. Failed GP, Yoda would have. How cute yoda was, as we commented that how yoda can fall and not get hurt, and bounce, and blah blah and also need to walk wif a stick but fight then dun need. Bleahx. If only haha.
Oh wells. Star wars. Finally, the saga is complete (I sound like the trailer) haha talking about trailers we saw this funny trailer about 2 spies being husband and wife and ended up enemies. They didn’t know their each other’s identity as spies until they saw each other through the rifle and the binoculars. Then when they were fighting, they went like ‘honey, sorry did I hit you?’ and ‘dear, are u still alive?’ which is super funny but I forgot the title damn haha its coming out on June 10th though maybe shld watch it.
Venezia rocks. Haha broke our promise to eat only after CTs guess I cldn’t resist it since I saw it when I was walking to Millenia 3 weeks back. And today just heck care go and buy. Wow the irish coffee flavour is super strong I cant fall asleep anymore haha. Oh ya learn some time wasting trips from me! Yay. How to walk frm marina square to esplanade library in 30 minutes. How to walk from esplanade to city hall in 30 minutes. How to walk in circles, looking for shortcuts.
OOOH found a candy shop in Millenia aiyah should have explored the whole of millennia the last time. So many sweets!!!!!! Okay, but no $$ haha quite broke already.
And was watching yoyo performance in millennia. How interesting how they can just do things just like –that– oh wells. Fate. Haha.
And talking about millennia, exam on Thursday. Finally, its over. Phew. Nows the long and agonising wait for the results. The sight reading was damn funny, but after I cooled down after the exam (like some 2 hours after that) I finally forgot the tune. I rmb I came out of the exam room laughing non stop, all the way back to school for 2 hours lehh. Hahaha.
Sighs. Sometimes I just feel like strangling some people. Who comment that I am irresponsible, inconsiderate, selfish when they themselves are like that. Its always easier to talk about others right? Well sorry I had to deflate ur ego, but yes, the whole world isn’t about you! To quote u. thanks so much for asking me for things during my busiest times, most annoying times, and actually demanding it instead of asking it. And when it was ur job to keep track of such things. And still dare to snap back at me. Hey, thanks a lot. All in a day’s work of being a nice guy for too long, and for just adding to my worries and stress in a month that’s so hectic. Thanks a lot for doing such since dunno how long ago, and yes I appreciate ur being so kind and understanding when u want things from me, just be demanding it. And also thanks for holding my things for ages without returning it, and also wow u lightened the load on my bag for two weeks cos u’re carrying my stuff. And thank you for not taking notes, always going against me, not wanting to do stuff which u’re supposed to do, and leaving me with a damn lot of workload without u realising it. Thanks for not asking if I could cope, and just saying can you do it. I appreciate that, since im contributing to ur rest time, so that u can actually relax and see everything fall into place right in front of you. WHY NOT I MAKE EVERYTHING FALL OUT OF PLACE! U realised that for the past 1 year or so I have never snapped back and just did everything quietly, and by myself. And now that i dun want to think about all that anymore, u demand things from me. And then u are saying that I should watch how I speak, and that im rude when I snap. Well thanks, for always snapping at me, and how I never shouted back. Now I cant take it anymore, and until u realise that im human too, im not going to help u get those things. Cos u should have them, if u dun, there’s other ways of doing it YOURSELF and not depend on ME. And seriously, I enjoyed working with you.
-NOT-
Bleahx.
Haven’t felt so angry at anyone for a long time. Cos I always give way.
What a way to start my hols.
Both good and bad.
I just hope everyday is like today and not yesterday.
Where I can spend time wif pple who are kind and caring and listening. I’d gladly help if u had added a please or asked nicely. No need nicely. But just not demand. I have always taken that u had a stressful day, and cant bother to ask nicely so I just did things for you. Now, u want to step into my shoes for a while? Try to be me for 2 hours. That’s all I ask. U think I have an easy life?
Okay, here's how's this genius had planned this week:
From tuesday to thursday, a whopping 2 concerts and 2 exams. How does that sound to you?
I must be damn dumb.
Okay, maybe not i planned one but wells. I had to say yes. bleahx.
LTCL accompaniment tomorrow. I am NOT confident yet. Hope to get my confidence level up. Its a real trial, a real big test. For reasons beyond comprehension, for reasons from the supernatural... and that day is finally here, my worries and stress levels building up fapidly since one month back, will it all be over by 1pm tomorrow, or will i feel damn bad? i want to be able to finally let go of the breath i've been holding, and just collaspe in a corner when its all over. but will i be collapsing due to relief, or due to disappointment?
Be careful when u meet me tomorrow. I may snap. bleahx. im too nice to do that.
oh wells. tomorrow tmr tmr tmr tmr... im so scared. This is the exam that i'm worst prepared for, i have to admit. even worse than my grade 7 in sec 1, which i took just after my hand recovered from that stupid fracture. And im not prepared at all, and this is my first time taking a trinity exam, and i wonder if it was the right choice. I was asking the person i/c the other day, whether got people take accompaniment exams. considering how many people asked me 'you mean such an exam existed?' and even me myself not knowing it existed, i was not surprised when she said not many took the exam. bleahx.
im not feeling too good right now. my nose hasnt stopped running since the GP paper. which was horrendous by the way. i looked at paper 1 and blanked out for 5 minutes. then i decided to write the one on 'is sitting on the fence ever the best position to be' and i was so cheeky haha. oh well that felt like the safest topic, yet the hardest. halfway through i thought i should have written the one on 'is the modern society more obsessed with beauty' cos i did cosmetic surgery for PW last year. then the one about arts: 'the function of art is to instruct, not to please' i could have written that too. but it might have been one sided i think cos im pretty biased -against- art. yes against. haha one wonders why im going into music. maybe because music pple got short lives.
okay. im damn scared right now. need practise, but no chance to do that. hope tmr will be fine. argh. help. gasp. im worrying too much. because i cant put my faith into this exam. maybe it is fated that all this will happen.
things like these always happen to me. im always one of the first few to know, and then have to keep it secret. i dunno, its bursting inside me. and some things i would rather not know and live peacefully in bliss. ignorance is bliss. bleahx.
okay going to rest.
wish me luck.
and oh yes chamber pple all the best for tmr's concert too!
The gift of life is never more or less. Either days or years are merely moments. Reverence remains the source of bliss. More memories do not increase remembrance. If death must early come, then let it be Nor more nor less than if it had come late: A part of a much larger mystery, Leaving wind and wisdom in its wake. Longing is the music of our sphere, Yearning for a time past time and space In which all that we love is ever here, Love everlasting, which is now our grace, Living with us more than we can bear.
If you hadn't realised, that spelt terminally ill. ' Life is short.
Two tear drops were floating down the river. One teardrop said to the other,"i'm the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. who are you?" "i'm the teardrop of the man who regret letting a girl go....."
she teardrop consoled, "there would come a time when we have to stop loving someone because we found out that they'd be happier if we let them go..."
he teardrop replied, "but then you'll know that you miss someone very much when every time you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick 'Hello' from that person brings the broken pieces back..."
she teardrop said, "it's really painful to say goodbye to someone else that you don't want to let go; but it's even more painful to ask someone to stay if you can never make the relationship work out the way it should be."
she continued, "LOVE? it's kind of complicated, but i'll tell you this... the second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that's love right there...."
he teardrop pondered and said, "you know, if i had the letters "HRT", i can add "EA" to get a "HEART" or a "U" and get "HURT". but i'd rather choose "U" and get "HURT" than have a "HEART" without "U"...
she teardrop smiled and replied, "giving someone all your love is not an assurance that she will love you back. don't expect love in return, wait for it to grow in her heart, if it doesn't, be contented it grows in yours."
he teardrop continued, "she told me once, do not be too good, i will miss you. don't be too caring; I might like you. don't be too sweet; i might fall for you."
she teardrop smiled and said, "A heart truly in love never loses hope but always believes."
She teardrop continued, "if you love her please let her know because it hurts to love when you have to go. take care of me; don't go away because if you love me, you will stay... i love you and do you know why? you got me when you first said 'Hi'"he teardrop said, "you are brave she teardrop, now i know it's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than never found love because you were too afraid of the challenge."
he teardrop continued further, "did you know that the expression "Nothing" is the subconscious mind's way of saying I Love You... that's what I did, i told her NOTHING and because of that i lost her even though i love her... i cry for the time that she was almost mine, i cry for the memories i've left behind, i cry for the pain, the lost, the old and the new. i cry for the times i thought i had her!"
she teardrop consoled, "Relationships are like glass, sometimes it is better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together, or worse, have nothing strong to bind it together. you never lose in loving. you only lose in holding back."
he teardrop cried,"Now i know, i have learned. don't throw your back to love when it's already in front of you, don't drive it away from you because if you did, someday you'll think again why you let love fly away when it was once next to YOU..."
What an interesting article. I received this over the mail, and felt that it was really thoughtful. In the many times I have discussed about love, or even tried talking about it, or even so seldomly try to philosophy it, it has always ended up with no answers. Always, when I receive something in the mail about love, and those that say send to 5 people or else, I always ignore them, cos its all fake. But this, just a single whole message as above, nothing fanciful, no spam stuff. It really shook me hard. As in, Hard. Well…
Tears. What happens when two people say goodbye at the end of the day? Will anyone cry, silently or loudly, in the heart or with tears, for the other to come back? When they meet again in the morning, do they cheer, do their eyes light up for each other, and then the whole world is no longer important to them… they are the whole world. Will anyone cry for me? Do I cry for anyone? I dunno, and I guess I will never know.
Love. This is one question I have always been asking: is it better to have loved and lost, or never loved at all? At some point in time, I believe my answer was to be never loved at all. Then, I was seriously down, and I wished I could go back to the good old days. Now, I feel, it is better to have loved and lost. Love, such an uncertainty. We can go around saying that the probability of that girl/guy u have a crush on loves you back follows a geometric distribution. Haha. But what is P(X=1)? Oh gosh too much of stats. Haha. But love is selfish. Everyone wants someone else to him/herself. And when u see another with the one u like, there’s this feeling in your heart that probably means that you are jealous. U are one selfish person, never sharing your loved one. And when u are out there, u want to win. U want to be the only one.
Probably that’s why I have lost. Because I was too selfish. Too overbearing. Perhaps that’s why now, I dun dare to love. Cos I dun want to lose again. Its never a good feeling to lose. Of course. Haha. Who goes all out to lose? But now, I know better. Cos I am one who will probably always fall back and make the same mistakes. So how? Try my best. Okay, probably this paragraph never made sense. Oh wells.
These days, I have been talking a bit more than usual. Dunno why, but when im seriously beat and depleted I can no longer hold things inside my heart. Oh wells. I have been told too many things, that I know im not supposed to go around and tell anyone at all. But can I hold all these things? The heart is a bottle, when its full, things will spill out… Then how? I’ve tried to forget some things. But its not that easy when some things are of utmost importance to you, or even some things are about the people u are close with. Sighs.
I have been dreaming. Seeing some people in my dreams. And I have forced myself to wake up after that, partly due to the shock of seeing them. Some particular people keep appearing. I wonder why. Is it because they mean a lot? I have tried to search for the meaning in these dreams… Are they what we actually hope to happen, and because it may never happen in real life, then they appear when our body is at rest, and our mind works at half the rate? Yes maybe I do wish for some of these things to happen…
LTCL Accompaniment in just 6 days. Can I survive it? I really wonder, I’m scared about an exam for once. Its making me lose sleep actually. And hair as well. Argh…why… and I keep suffer from consequences of curiousness. These things just happen to me, and I wonder why. Curiosity kills the cat. But im not a cat! Although yes I do love cats, and yes I do have a cat soft toy from my b’dae. Probably it is retribution ah? Sighs.
And sleep. I feel so sleepy nowadays, when previously I could have stayed on and went on and on. Perhaps im getting weaker. I dun really dare to sleep. What if I don’t wake up? I never have good night sleeps. And now, its getting worse. With more work and less sleep and less daring to sleep… sighs…
Piano Ensemble concert was great! Has already said all my thank you’s, shall not say anymore. But yes, it was a great success. Great to see things happening good on that day. Pity this cant happen everyday. Wells, all good things must have an end. Mm.
I am spending more and more time with others. Is that good or bad? Spending such time means no walking alone from place A to B. Yay. I hate being alone. But I hate crowds too. Haha. Is that a contradiction? Oh yes one lame joke about crowds. Two is company, three’s a crowd. But this is impossible! How can 2 be a company? When a company has many people? Because this doesn’t hold, the three’s a crowd doesn’t hold too! Muahaha. Okay lame.
Wish me luck, I need it. One breath at a time, I’ve survived PE concert. Barely, I would say. The next big thing is coming up in 6 days. And a very big thing. And its very uncertain, and im scared. And its also a moment of truth. Then right after that would be my duties elsewhere. Then got the competition (more about this later). Then still got July CTs, My friend’s exam, then my own at the end of this year, which includes A’s, FT, Erhu, and also NPVC! Bleahx. One step at a time. My mei mei was telling me about how time will pass quickly, and yar I have to admit u’re right. Argh haha I should listen to you more cos somehow u manage to get things right… Ohwells. Next time. Tell me what I should do.
Competition:
Vivace Inter-JC Piano Ensemble Competition. 10 June 2005 VJC Performance Theatre 10am onwards Come watch. Free entry.
Ok I need a break. This has been rather long.
ch
oh I really need a break, and answers. When will I see the light?
I want to see the world… I want to go out there, and feel for myself. There are so many things to be done, to be seen, to be felt, to be heard, to be experienced, to be enjoyed, to be laughed about, to be cheered about.
But there isn’t enough time.
Too many things left unsaid, too many things left undone. Why is time limited? I know it’s unfair, but I feel as though I’ve had the worst of it all. Of course, I’ve had my fair share of goodness, and I’m thankful for that. But, above all, if I had to give up the things I received for a longer time, I would gladly do so… I mean, life isn’t exciting, isn’t fun if all you do is just get achievements. It should never be this way! Life is only nice if you have time to enjoy it. I mean, look at this. When my classmates are dota-ing away, what am I doing? Not that I want this kind of time, no. But this is an analogy. Small scale one, compared to my large scale limited time.
I wish we had more time. I just heard/saw this line yesterday. And I totally agreed. We wished life was easier too. And the reason why we end up this way, not the people we were supposed to be, is stress and datelines. And I agreed to both. First with a ‘yesh’ then with a YESH. Sighs…
Would anyone remember me, when I leave where I am right now? Did anyone remember me, from my time in a part of their life, a brief hour, a year, a whole childhood, anything? Have I made an impact to others, and will I ever? When I wave goodbye at the end of the day, does anyone look forward to a wave of hello the next day? I wonder, at the end of the day, those who walk with me, talk with me, sit with me, and play with me… those people, do they actually enjoy and appreciate my presence, or are they silently cursing me and hoping I’ll get lost?
Partly that’s why, I never stay long anywhere. Because I’m never sure. I will never know, because I don’t feel. I will never know if I’m welcome anywhere. I wish life was easier, where everything was known to me, and I’ll never have to guess what he or she feels. I wish I could read minds, to find out what others think of me, instead of guessing and almost absolutely sure I’ll guess wrongly.
Less is more.
Yesterday’s compo workshop was certainly enriching. I’ve learnt a lot, and what a pity I wasn’t there last year. There’s one thing (except scribbling on other people’s papers haha) that I would remember the most, that is: to write for the joy of the players, and to also enjoy what you are doing. Okay, maybe I rephrased that a bit. It was more like, don’t set out to do a strict sonata form, binary form etc. Let things come to you. And write with feeling. Not just technical.
Indeed, feeling. That is something which I have buried for a long time already. I don’t dare to bring it up again. Especially nowadays, when I am constantly recalled of what I once had and lost again, all thanks to my immaturity, and my emotions. Yes. In some ways, burying my feelings have helped. I have gotten more things done. But in other ways, it has harmed me. Like in my playing. I’ve become technical again. Two years back, I changed, and it was a landmark. That was when I actually felt. Two years later, it was all gone, just because I am afraid.
But have I really buried all my feelings? Have I really showed none at all?
Anyways, thanks for vandalising my paper and my hand as well. Childish yes, but it certainly made time pass. (Not that the workshop was inexciting no, but still yes it amused me.) And it will certainly light up my day when I read through those notes again.
I am counting down, to the day when I will be free. The thing is, free from what? Is it exams, school, or life? Or will I ever be free again?
For now, one thing at a time. I shall be able to take one easy breath come Monday night, when the concert is over.
Then it’d be LTCL accompaniment.
Then the competition.
Then the common tests.
Then my accompaniment jobs.
What else?
One breath at a time, I may just survive.
Oh yes, I promised not to kill myself. The problem is, will I die off too soon anyway?
I’ve learnt to let go. Whatever people say, do, imply, depict… Its for the best, I guess. And I’ve learnt not to hide anything. Especially if there’s nothing to hide. Being too defensive doesn’t help. Take everything like a breeze.
If you keep looking back, you lose track of what's ahead.
I find that when i play, i am very easily affected by the happenings of what's in front, a minor slip, a wrong tone, a mistake. and i end up losing concentration, losing track of what i should be doing at the end. that it turns out, i start well but end badly. how different it is when i forget the front, and treat what's over as over, and keep my focus there, right till the very end, if it is an end at all.
indeed, how much more can a nocturne give, especially when its a night piece? that was my initial reactions to nocturnes. i always recall the famous no. 2 and generalise base on that. but the, i found the intensity in this one, the emotions just pour out of me. and it is in this that i find out a lot more about my emotions, about how i have been handling them. about how i can channel all my emotions into something that is seemingly harmless yet affects everyone: music.
a teacher (school teacher, not a piano teacher, but also a pianist nonetheless) once told me this (i hope u dun mind me putting this out...) for you, the first time you played for me was the Brahms piece: you were technically very accomplished, very confident, knowing where all your notes, where all the keys are. But reading into the heart of the artist: you love your music a lot, but there's a kind of hate, too; your music is a vent for you, rather than just playing for pleasure. It was that violence in you that kinda startled me; since it was very different from how you appear to be (happy, bright, etc) normally. So yeah, I might be wrong, but it struck me already then that well, yeah, you do have this streak within you.Nothing wrong with that, since i believe that as an artist you should feel more and hurt more than other people (rather masochistic, i know). But essentially, all art is born from pain.
(yes i do keep all these things... its quite harmless actually so yar... not the other things that u said of course haha)
it seems to me that i have always been this way, showing others my happy bright side, and keeping deep within myself the angry, desperate, depressed me. it seems so natural to just lock all this up. this reminds me of star trek... the vulcans. i rmb watching voyager, and one episode they were on this planet in the delta-quardrant where the planet made violence illegal, but there were people who traded in violence telepathically. (kind of an abstract idea if you are not a star trek fan...) tuvok, who was the security chief on board voyager, tried to go down and hunt down these people to safe his crewmate, cheif enginner B'lanna. tuvok was a vulcan, and never ever portrayed any emotions. but when he showed his violence to the criminals telepathically, it actually crippled the criminal. such was the intensity of something locked up deep within, something dark and scary. am i becoming like that?
there's also this... if you can hit your piano/whatever and not feel pain, that means you never really loved your art.
i remember two years back, in chs, when someone slammed the piano of the best piano in school. i dunno what made me react, but i actually shouted, and just ran off. i think i scared a few people because of my reaction. thinking back, did that piano actually mean that much to me? or was i just being childish?
i don't know. i guess i never will.
just now, at home, i gave way. the computer was pissing me off. both computers. i wanted to do some compo and yes they manged to have error everytime i press save. and that means all taht 2 hours plus of work in that afternoon was all lost, and i couldnt go on. both coms. i just shouted. threw a tantrum. cried. i was simply that bad. it was i guess half a year since this kind of things happened, when i let all the stress within me come out. then i stuffed myself with food. don't know why, but i always do that when im not happy. i actually ate 5 ang ku kuehs, 4 pieces of bread, dates, cheese, one cup of coffee... all at one go. gosh i feel sick now but i just did it in the afternoon. and i still had a big dinner. shees i think im seriously going crazy over all these. the last time i actually cried out and exclaimed to the world that im going crazy was when i had high fever and was feeling real bad. sighs.
i ended up not doing my compo.
and im not going to do my maths s tutorial at all. ive totally no mood, no energy, no concentration to do it. i dun care, im not going to touch all that anymroe. i cant handle so many subjects...
there are still decisions to be made. i cant make them. i cant make up my mind. its in a mess. nothing is ordered right now.
was still trying to go past bar 46 of ravel just now. its that hard. i wonder if i can realli go on.
played chopin again, and my tears just flowed. im seriously too soft.
played waldstein, didnt feel like C major at all. shld have played pathetique instead.
-there was a 5 minute gap between the last line and the next line-
gosh suddenly felt sick, went to throw up. i should never ever gorge myself again. i think i must take care of my health more. not doing all these stupid things that will shorten my life even more.
life is short. am i doing the right things? is want to do equal to have to do? is have to do equal to must do? i dunno. i seriously don't know. sighs.
the erhu seems so foreign to me now. i cant even play kong shan nicely. my notes are all over the place, bow is not gripped tightly. i dun even know what i am doing. i cant concentrate. ask me to play any piece for you it will jsut be notes.
sea fever keeps ringing in my head. i wonder what made me choose that poem, which i interpret as a longing for the sea, a love for it. another vocale member interprets it as longing for a love lost, a deeply passionate love. either way, my music, to me, really sounds like im longing for something hard. even though i practically rushed through that piece, doing it in just 8 hours, it is perhaps this 8 hours on christmas day that i missed something the most, and it just went into music.
dear performance hungry people, who want to stand on stage again, to face an expected crowd, who might cheer for you, who will give you flowers when u step off the stage, who will remember that you once shined, who want to be a star...
Sometimes, it seems as though things are finally brightening up. Then again, I should have learnt from experience that things never stay the same.
I’ve lost yet another opportunity, and I dare not hope for more. Cos I know it’ll probably just be yet another failure, missed opportunity… I guess its just not in me… other things I probably have lady luck smiling on me… these sort of things, after one near miss after another, and one wasted chance after another… I should just give up.
Sighs, who will really understand, when they people see me on the phone, talking hurriedly and very worriedly… who really understands what kind of things im going through rite now? Its seemingly simple, but actually complex. And yes, the people around don’t make it any easier, cos they just dunno what everything means. A lot of things have a lot of meaning, and its up to me to make sure what that meaning is. Hidden meanings, however subtle, will help me to grow. I hope…
Every morning, as I leave home, I see a fog in the park rite beneath my home. Its so lucky to be able to look out and not see any civilisations for about a few km, even though I have to tilt slightly to one side to just miss seeing the train tracks and the stadium. Yes it is indeed a nice view, and how lucky I am. I would like to live in there, to escape from all the problems that I have, to escape from the stress and the busy-ness of my days, and just to stay there wif some close friends, not many, maybe just one, maybe even alone. Even though I hate being alone, some things are best done alone still.
Ouch my back, I need to train again but I injured my back. Dammit cant even lift my bag on my left hand lar… how am I going to train like that…
These days, I realise I talk to myself a lot. Especially when im doing work or practising piano. I go like ‘harlow, this is wrong why cant you just remember that thing’ or even ‘stupid stupid stupid stupid!’ ha I never praise myself at all… guess its never in me. I used to find good things to say about everyone, and now I just don’t bother. Everything I see around me, it never pleases me. Nobody can come up to me and talk to me and I feel just fine. Sighs. Is life becoming that sad for me, that I cannot even see anything pleasant, and that I am becoming more and more pessimistic?
I have never hoped for more, and now I feel so incomplete. Its as though I lack oxygen and is slowly suffocating. And I do mean slowly. Its unbearable, what im going through these days. I feel like just letting everything go, but I cant. I cant! Tell me… how to… everything im doing now, im obliged to do. Sighs. And I have a duty to do them too. Should I give up things that I like doing? Like helping out? Instead of giving up things I hate doing but have to do? Does this make sense? No I guess not…
In school, everywhere I walk, I see people chatting happily, in pairs, groups, cliques. And I never felt like I belong anywhere! When im wif my class, I feel detached, excluded. Only a few people will even remember im around. When im wif the music students… its another sense of detachness, and it’s a sense of not daring, not allowing myself to become attached, cos that will make me a very unbalanced person. I should never just mix with music people, it makes my world just very sad… even though I can never connect wif anyone outside of the music world… I do not dare to fully connect just wif those whom, shall I say, are musically inclined. Although yes, we talk about similar things, and we actually –talk─, but still, I dunno, I just dun like the idea of just being attached to one group.
SATS tmr… haha sats on sat, then after u take u’d be very sad… okay crap. Still, so many pple taking sats… but why am I not? I guess it’s the person inside me who tells me that there’s no point, cos its going to end up wasted. The same person tells me not to go to school, not to take music exams, but ive never listened. I wonder why I listen this time.
School… is it really true, that in time to come I’ll finally know whether my coming to jc was a right or wrong decision? I really hate school, yes u didn’t read wrongly. Im going to school everyday cos of the people I meet, the people in the morning who may be able to set my day just right, and the people at the end of the day who can make me forget my unhappiness. But at the end of the day, when I sit at home, I sometimes regret continuing schooling into jc. Perhaps its only being in rj, perhaps its just school. But bleahx I hate it more and more nowadays. I want to drop out, but I guess its too late.
Syf is over. I realised that I haven’t said a single congrats to anyone in person. Dun ask me to explain why… I dun know either. Honours or not, gold or not, who cares? Probably u do, but not me. Probably becos im not taking part anymore, but today I realised the whole of vocale who turned up just now were honours. Except poor zz who had to put up wif suaning, and me who isn’t in choir anymore. Somehow I missed syf. Sianz.
Im feeling lost. Help. Maybe it’s a sense of directionless rubbed onto me from the people around me, who can hahaha make me take a wrong bus, walk a wrong direction, and take like 30 minutes from bishan mrt to school. Yes we are damn pro.
A big day for me, coming up in roughly 3 weeks. It will be the day when I realise that either im making a right choice and end up helping someone along the way, or that im just plain dumb and blinded because of other emotions coming in the way of practicality, and finance. Well... I hope im right. Hope.
I hate goodbyes.
Sorry I ran off in school just now, I just couldn’t take it, the things that were happening. Phone calls coming at unexpected times, in the midst of happiness, that just spoils my mood completely. I couldn’t make myself cheer up in time, and I guess the only way is to hide. But then again, who noticed. Sighs.
Im envious of others.
Its hard to set a trend, to forage a way into the darkness, when the people who are supposed to form a base for u to depend on are against you on everymove. If a pyramid base decides to go against the tip, what happens? I know im right, its not ego but just an understanding, and experience. But perhaps its me that is too kind, to give in to others, that I let others disagree wif me. And when I push my way abit, cos I have a right to, im considered rude. Inconsiderate. Irresponsible. Have u ever thought of my feelings? Im hurt. Im a human too you know. Sighs if only I can get off all these, and do things my way. MY way. Its never been this case. Im too selfless. And im never given a chance to show that I can do it nowadays. Sighs. People trust me, then do things because they think they are better. Sounds familiar? Maybe because its you.
Im always putting up a false front, in front of not so close pple. Guess its in me to hide things away, to not talk about any problems at all. I never did at all. Never opened myself up. Would I feel better? I dunno. But who would listen? And if someone did listen, would I still say it out?
I want to be depended on, not shoved away, like a spare.
You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.
You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.
Your #2 Match: ESFJ
The Caregiver
You are sympathetic and caring, putting friends and family first. A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change. You love being in groups - whether you're helping people or working on a project. You are good at listening, laughing, and bringing out the best in people.
You would make a great nurse, social worker, or teacher.
Your #3 Match: INFJ
The Protector
You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.
You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.
Your #4 Match: ISFP
The Artist
You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now). You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children. Simply put, you enjoy bueaty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs.
You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.
Your #5 Match: ISTJ
The Duty Fulfiller
You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy.
You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer.
I'm Chee Hang. I'm currently serving NS, and I'm also part of the Catholic High School Choir
alumni, the Edward Becheras Vocale.
My favourite colour is blue.
My favourite composer is Beethoven.
My favourite music(s) are powerful.
My favourite food is anything edible and nice.
I like to help people.
I am childish.
I am still a kid, although already 19. Young at heart =o)
