time...

I want to see the world… I want to go out there, and feel for myself. There are so many things to be done, to be seen, to be felt, to be heard, to be experienced, to be enjoyed, to be laughed about, to be cheered about.

But there isn’t enough time.

Too many things left unsaid, too many things left undone. Why is time limited? I know it’s unfair, but I feel as though I’ve had the worst of it all. Of course, I’ve had my fair share of goodness, and I’m thankful for that. But, above all, if I had to give up the things I received for a longer time, I would gladly do so… I mean, life isn’t exciting, isn’t fun if all you do is just get achievements. It should never be this way! Life is only nice if you have time to enjoy it. I mean, look at this. When my classmates are dota-ing away, what am I doing? Not that I want this kind of time, no. But this is an analogy. Small scale one, compared to my large scale limited time.

I wish we had more time. I just heard/saw this line yesterday. And I totally agreed. We wished life was easier too. And the reason why we end up this way, not the people we were supposed to be, is stress and datelines. And I agreed to both. First with a ‘yesh’ then with a YESH. Sighs…

Would anyone remember me, when I leave where I am right now? Did anyone remember me, from my time in a part of their life, a brief hour, a year, a whole childhood, anything? Have I made an impact to others, and will I ever? When I wave goodbye at the end of the day, does anyone look forward to a wave of hello the next day? I wonder, at the end of the day, those who walk with me, talk with me, sit with me, and play with me… those people, do they actually enjoy and appreciate my presence, or are they silently cursing me and hoping I’ll get lost?

Partly that’s why, I never stay long anywhere. Because I’m never sure. I will never know, because I don’t feel. I will never know if I’m welcome anywhere. I wish life was easier, where everything was known to me, and I’ll never have to guess what he or she feels. I wish I could read minds, to find out what others think of me, instead of guessing and almost absolutely sure I’ll guess wrongly.

Less is more.

Yesterday’s compo workshop was certainly enriching. I’ve learnt a lot, and what a pity I wasn’t there last year. There’s one thing (except scribbling on other people’s papers haha) that I would remember the most, that is: to write for the joy of the players, and to also enjoy what you are doing. Okay, maybe I rephrased that a bit. It was more like, don’t set out to do a strict sonata form, binary form etc. Let things come to you. And write with feeling. Not just technical.

Indeed, feeling. That is something which I have buried for a long time already. I don’t dare to bring it up again. Especially nowadays, when I am constantly recalled of what I once had and lost again, all thanks to my immaturity, and my emotions. Yes. In some ways, burying my feelings have helped. I have gotten more things done. But in other ways, it has harmed me. Like in my playing. I’ve become technical again. Two years back, I changed, and it was a landmark. That was when I actually felt. Two years later, it was all gone, just because I am afraid.

But have I really buried all my feelings? Have I really showed none at all?

Anyways, thanks for vandalising my paper and my hand as well. Childish yes, but it certainly made time pass. (Not that the workshop was inexciting no, but still yes it amused me.) And it will certainly light up my day when I read through those notes again.

I am counting down, to the day when I will be free. The thing is, free from what? Is it exams, school, or life? Or will I ever be free again?

For now, one thing at a time. I shall be able to take one easy breath come Monday night, when the concert is over.

Then it’d be LTCL accompaniment.

Then the competition.

Then the common tests.

Then my accompaniment jobs.

What else?

One breath at a time, I may just survive.

Oh yes, I promised not to kill myself. The problem is, will I die off too soon anyway?


I’ve learnt to let go. Whatever people say, do, imply, depict… Its for the best, I guess. And I’ve learnt not to hide anything. Especially if there’s nothing to hide. Being too defensive doesn’t help. Take everything like a breeze.

But is it helping me?

I wonder.

-ch