I've never really understood the meaning of Bursting with Joy until today. And if you're wondering why, scroll down. This is super egoistic but haha. I dun care. I havent stopped smiling.
Just look at the mark: 87!!!! Gosh. Distinction!!! lalalala LTCL Accompanying Distinction!!! i could go on and on! yay!!! the examiner was so obviously pleased!!! haha lala yay yay yay!!!
tell u guys something funny. Haha. when i went down to Kawai to get my results, i was super nervous, that person looked at me and said, 'so nervous.. distinction la.' then my jaw just DROPPED!!! seriously!!! then i sat there in shock until she asked me to sign hahahaha lalalala and i almost ran out of kawai! its like the whole world didnt matter anymore it is MY TIME!!! yay yay yay i never felt so ALIVE before HAHAha obviously i'm super super HIGH now!!! lalalalala I almost ran out of Paragon to the train station Hahahaha i wanted to just shout to the whole world lalalalalala hehheh dun tell me to calm down. I just cant. whoa all that stress and anticipation and anxiety all gone lalalalala even my teacher screamed when i called her hehheh
am going to celebrate and splurge again soon! even tho i spent like $50 over just now buying CD and scores but NAH thats not counted as celebration! im going to shop and eat and everything!!! muahahahaha lalalalala
and now, whats next? end of year FT. haha. lalalala.
Remember my nervousness two months ago, prior to the accompaniment LTCL exam? Sighs. just got a letter telling me to go collect the results. probably go tomorrow. what if...
nvm...
biasness... some people are just biased. which is not fair. everyone can tell that when some of these people around, the mood is better, and so on. i cant be too specific here, cos i dun want any trouble. but i just cant stand it. being in this profession also means you have to be fair to be all, in other words, yi4 shi4 tong2 ren2.
and back to that idiom. i've just learnt that idiom has a lot of meanings, and applies to alot of things, some things less pleasant, some less satisfying and happy to me. Sighs. must u really treat everyone the same? probably because im a selfish and mean idiot and fool, who couldnt care less about other people and also likes to put down others just for myself. sighs.
somehow i hope it would be different this time, then this time, then this time, but this time never comes. as in, it will always be the same. when will -this- time come, the special time, the time when i know all will be right...
when i watch tv, some things just stay in my mind, i wonder why. is it how i can relate to them, or what? a longing? a need? a disgust? or just some random things, following a t-distribution. sighs. i hate maths.
i want an opportunity, to take in my hand, and to say what ive always wanted, and then everything will just fall into place. somehow, i think this opportunity will never come. schools too much a rush for anything to happen.
theres no meaning in anything i do. everything i do, its just going pass with a blur. do i really need to do all this? its not me. i dun remember all this.
im envious of others, who seem to get it so easily. nobody really knows what i go through, and how i'd like to give up everything i have now to be in the shoes of some other's. some things have just lost the special place in my heart, and i dun blame anyone but myself. i have become different.
music... why? why am i sloggin so much on the piano, over chopin's scherzo, knowing that i probably wun be able to play it well? why am i so stubborn, so boastful, so egoistic? perhaps thats why i will never succeed...
you know best. so do it.
dun think too much, things are not that fascinating for me.
i badly need to start revising. or else i'll never finish. maybe i shall pon the prelims and As all the way. i'll be happier.
then again, will i?
what is important to me? til now i do not know.
am i annoying? am i a maniac depressive, ie very high when happy, very sad when sad, no go between emotions?
Realised that I wonderfully forgot to write about the compo workshop this Monday evening. But, really have to talk about it with the before-and-after-s. Haha.
The workshop was by Zecheriah Goh Toh Chai. Choir people may remember him more for Irama Belia. VJ choir people might remember him for Kucinta and what not. But yes, he is an accomplished composer locally. At least, I know him more than John Sharpley, who gave a good workshop on some of RJ’s works (including mine) some two months ago.
Oh wells. One work from each MEP college was heard, with Shang Jin’s being played live by herself (applause!!) And Goh Toh Chai wanted to premiere all three works in a September concert this year. Lucky fellows… heh.
Anyways, hitched a ride on Mrs Chee’s car with the rest of the guys (the girls all took taxi there) and well, was talking to gw on MI on the way there. What I remembered was that when TJ first came into view (for the second time in my life), it looked so cosy. Ha. Maybe because I’m spending too much time in an oversized college of RJC.
Anyways, the workshop itself. Now I know some people’s excuses for not handing up compo are not unique. You actually hear excuses such as ‘still thinking, silence is as important as sound’. Heh. Shall submit a piece entitled ‘Silence ─ for full orchestra’ to Cambridge. Hahaha.
His one hour teach us how to compose was certainly interesting. Rhythm. That’s what he wanted us to write at first. Haha. Mine was like super simple: one crotchet, two quavers, two crotchets. Heh. Well simplicity rules. Heh.
Didn’t really remember much about his workshop just typing this. But I know he certainly can keep our attention. And his choral training certainly has not gone to waste (now I know why him and K are such good friends.) And he certainly knows a lot. Hah. Not comparing him to John Sharpley or anyone else, but I’m amazed. Mmm.
Hitched another ride on Mrs Chee’s car while coming home too. Have to say, really lucky to have a teacher who drives who lives near you. Hhaha.
Crazy me. Doing crazy stuff. Maybe I should go home now.
I seriously believe i'm like cursed or something... I can't believe that after hurting my toe, and still recovering from it, my finger's injured. I sort of over strained it, now cant put weight on my right hand thumb at all. Means no piano. Sighs. As much as i'd like to attribute it to over practice, i think playing chopin and bach for one whole day wouldnt have done so much damage.
And so, napfa how? tuesday... if i cant run, cant do pull-ups, might as well just pull out. i wonder why im taking napfa anyway.i dun need it.
Argh... im struggling with chopin scherzo. Help. And Bach toccata. sighs. why am i taking so long to learn these two pieces?
I think im overloading myself. Sighs. Okay, maybe im exaggerating. Anyway, i picked this life. Heh. wonderful.
Went running just now, so my toe hurts. Eeks. and tried doing pull-ups. trying to ignore the damned pain in my thumb, and could only do 2 pull ups. seriously, just pull out of tuesdays napfa.
good thing is, im not going to get crippled for the rest of my life. hope not anyway. Heh. if my thumb goes ah, there goes my life. I cant envision myself sitting down doing research or maths instead of piano-ing. Sighs.
John Rutter is nice. Not the first time i said it, i know. Hearing an orchestra accompanying John Rutter Songs are just different, even though the quality is something that can be worked on, especially some brass instrument. And the sound system. Okay, i'm too critical.
Have to say some choir has slipped quite a bit since the last time i saw them. Gosh. I wonder what happened. Boy's choirs like this have great potential, but evidently from the performance there wasnt any fine-tuning done, that basic unison sounded like a 60-part split. Sighs. the standard. where's the sectionals?
supposed to be doing maths S now. argh ive got negative displacement for a 100m sprint. How is that possible for a possibly record breaker? (supposedly a 9.77 s run.)
If I stop hoping, maybe I won’t be disappointed. Over the past few months, the feelings of anticipation, pride, and rush, may once again come to nought. And I stress again. It seems that life wants to play another joke with me yet again. Maybe its destined, that I have to go through all these highs and lows, so much that I can expect people now feeling that whatever I say in the future will no longer have any more credibility. And to think, I actually felt hopeful than the last time, especially after I have been made to rush so many things out, and the running from place to place… Do you have to do this to me?
Now it seems that this delay will just go on and on, and my moment, or moments, of glory will never come. Perhaps, it was never to be. I was not talented in that aspect anyway, better to stick to what I do best then… It will never seem enough for me, to do just that, but do I look as though I have a choice?
Should I still hope, that after a week or so in France, realisation on how important some things are to me, and how things now matter so much that it is almost impossible to take it away from me, this realisation will come? I say almost impossible because the authority, the power still exists, and in any case, I am in no way advantageous at all, and so, yes, it can still be taken away from me. What can I do, should I go on hoping? Or should I stop, and boycott everything? By the time ‘the right time’ comes, it will probably be too late. Perhaps it is never meant to be.
These days, it has been several times when I actually enjoyed myself. That was the time away from my books, and away from things that matter. I really enjoyed the games played during PE these 2 days, probably because I am on-form. Being back in the goal, after so long of worrying about breaking my fingers, really makes me feel good. Because that’s where I’m good at, not up there trying to score a goal (though on the field my soccer skills are still quite reasonable ie I can still score). But in any case, I’m still best in the goal, especially since I hurt my toe and it’s still not okay, and the amount of time I spent on my legs isn’t helping at all. Wonder what’s tomorrow, hopefully its something I can enjoy.
And yes, maybe I should just stick to what I am good at and stop hoping.
Sighs.
I seriously think my GP essay is a good laugh for everyone. Tell me, if you had to write on ‘Is sitting on the fence ever the best position to be in?” what would you write?
Well, I beat around the bush and really sat on the fence. Ask me for the script one day. The marker wrote comments like ‘move on’ and ‘you are moving on very slowly’ but seriously, I am not moving at all. Because I have no points at all, I ended up talking crap, and just going round and round and round. Haha. Interesting though. I got 16/30 for my content, my language saved me.
My physics teacher asked if all our commitments have already stopped. Looking around the class, except the few trackers and canoeists who are ending their season, I think I am the only one who’s like having outside commitments, and working too. And people say I am mad, but I enjoy doing these kind of things. I wonder why. Maybe it is a rush to ‘grow up’, to taste the adult life, before I am ready. Will I ever be?
This time of the year, many of my peers are going for university admission talks, scholarship exhibitions, and the likes of it. I feel so detached from all these things, not even wondering about studying after A’s. Am I weird? People say that when you go into a JC you are actually expecting to go to the university to get a degree etc. And, if you are in Raffles JC, you are like the cream of the crop, and so why not?
But, I don’t feel anything appealing to me. Sheez, I was even reluctant to come to RJ in the first place. (and I sort of regret my choice to come too.) But since I’m here, should I start considering and planning my path after NS, or can I still wait?
Seriously, I am thinking of not going to university. Shhhh, don’t tell all my teachers, or they’ll come after me. I can’t justify why, it is just a feeling that I won’t like it there. As you all know, I hate changes. That’s why I am an S personality, from the DISC test. (recently found out that I may have just become a C… And I was an I at sec 2!!!)
And I don’t find studying any fun at all. Not now, not before, and certainly not in the future. I come to school because of the people, not because I like my books. If RJ didn’t have all these people I liked so much, I would have left after the first 3 months. Sighs. What to do…
I find that I really am becoming too childish. I should change. For better or for worse, that is to find out. I should become a bit more mature. Before I end up like this for the rest of my life.
It’s not that nice being labelled as Pes C. Or Kopi boy. Or Goodie bag boy. Whatever. Yar go ahead and call me ‘Pes C’. I will just tolerate.
People say all the time, 'Get a life'. i wonder what does it mean to have 'a life'. Does it simply mean, breathe and interact with the surroundings? or?
What do u do when u 'get a life'?
some people say i dun have a life, and all my time is spent in music. True, i dun go and dota like my whole class does (okay not all but most), i dun go for that many class outings, u dun see me going to cinemas all the time, i dun go and play soccer all the time (unlike Sec 2), i dun sit in the canteen and chit chat every break, i dun play cards with my class all the time. Gosh, i dun even feel interested in the games of hearts, bridge, chinese chess, blah blah blah. I do play them, once in a while, but not to the extent that every break i play it, or even in lectures!!!
some people say no life = mugging. in that case, wow i do have a life. unless u count spending time on the piano mugging. heh.
Okay, after listing down the things i dun do, i think it is only right to justify why, if it needs justifying at all.
first, and last, i have no time. ha.
Which is why most of the time, u see me rushing around, or arranging things on the phone, frantically messaging, trying to squeeze in a short phone call here and there, trying desparately to take a break when most people are, well, mugging. ha. and why i spend every saturday night out and probably uncontactable.
i find that even though its stressful, i would be quite bored without this kind of busyness, if theres such a word. it just wouldnt be the same, like if i suddenly had -nothing- to do at all!!! i mean, i live on all this stress, i thrive on it. If everyone were to pull out of me to 'give me a break', that wouldnt help me at all. Ha. i would probably go find other stuff to do, and make myself busy at all...
Not that it makes me satisfied. I guess im someone who's never really satisfied at all. after reading that book 'When is Enough, Enough?' i should have learnt that in order to achieve some things, i have to learn to let go. Well, easier said than done. Like i can say that 'I shall not do any more accompaniment' but wells, i wanted to that end of last year, for a change (of not doing any at all for a music exam ie promos) then what turned out haha. Not that it would matter that much. i find i do better when stressed though. Ha.
so, do i have a life?
what else constitutes having a life?
i just realised i didnt touch on one segment in this post. that on relationships. hmm should i talk about that? do they contribute to life?
Some things i missed, and would probably still want to miss...
after a few months of inactiveness, i was back in business for a while, just now, for a last minute performance. Some things which i almost forgot how enjoyable it is: - rushing around from place to place like mad. took a cab from my lesson today, went home to put down stuff, then went to Kallang Theatre. Cost $22.10. Wonderful. - the feeling of anonymousity, if that word exists. not knowing anyone, while everyone knows everyone else. - squinting in the dim light or lack of light backstage - dressing rooms - trying out new pianos that were impossible to control - staring at people who didnt know how to open the piano lid -haha- - cheering audience - watching performance backstage - earning $$ bleahx
Anyway, i think the choir which performed tonight (GMSS i think) seriously rocks. The piano was playing on one key, and the whole choir can stay throughout the song in a key thats a quarter tone off. And when there are splits, i dunno if u still call that a key. Haha. okay i shall not be that bad. Their unisons are wonderful though, they really put in practice.
Some people just dun really get it that i dun want to work with them anymore than i have to. Spoilt Brats. Who always get what they want. But me, being nice, have never told off anyone like that. fine, tolerate, one day when i cant tahan then i dunno what will happen. im seriously pissed off, and i wonder if i still want to go on like this.
is there such a word as dissonantal? Mrs C thinks there isnt. and i wrote that, together with consonantal in my essay. haha.
spoilt brats, who cant take a bit of pain, go overseas. singapore doesnt need u. wait, NS doesnt need u. who worries about having scratches, and scars. Bleahx.
Wow... I actually managed to spoil my piano. Here's what happened. The B below Middle C, the hammer returned only halfway, and so now i'm left with a soundless B unless i hit it hard enough. My tuner says (over the phone) that it has probably jumped out of position, and he's coming to fix it on monday. Ah new piano some more...
Anyways, i've an interesting tuner. When i first told him that the hammer didnt return, he said, "what did you do, use the hammer to hit someone?"
oh wells. is this a first sign of too overbearing on the piano, expecting so much from a quiet partner who doesnt complain, doesnt criticise, but only does what she is told to, sounding when i press the keys... Have i been too hard on her, that she has finally protested to the Khachaturian, prokofiev, and rachmaninov? Is it a sign of some kind, about my piano playing, and should i take note of how i play?
I'd rather believe not, and believe that the piano was not in a good condition when i bought it. Ha. always push the blame to others.
No that's not good. Sorry dear piano, next time i shall only play rachmaninov, khachaturian and prokofiev with half the strength.
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I've just been recommended for another accompaniment job, though i wonder how Mrs C managed to 'highly recommend' me, as someone who is a 'good accompanist, able to sightread very quickly'. Ha. wow. she actually notices. Hmmm... Then probably she would have noticed i like accompaniment better than solo-ing. Maybe i'll major in accompaniment next time. Dunno. long time away from now.
By the way, this job i got, haha its for a performance tomorrow night. What pieces? Carmen fantasy arranged for flute (last part only) and All I Ask Of You. lalalalalala.
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Have recorded sea fever. Here's it, if you can d/l it. http://www.geocities.com/seecheehang/Sea_Fever_Final.WAV What was interesting though, people who could have come pulled out, and my song actually required 8 people because of one bar of 8-part split. But still, we had 5 and a half person singing. (the half was contributed by me, trying to sing lower bass two, making it sound nice and audible over the likes of Gabriel and ZZ, with a throat that refuses to open after one day of losing my voice.) It s an okay recording i suppose, guess will submit that. Though if i have another chance to record it before submission in Mid Oct, i guess i'll record again. I was listening back to the ones vocale sang, and i thought i liked the sound better.
Oh by the way, here's those who sang for me: zz, Luke, Gabriel, Shen Ting, Bjorn. Thanks a lot. for mugging it out in one hour plus and recording 4 times, staying till 7+ in school.
Oh gabriel was so amazed at RJ that he kept taking photos. haha. go read his blog.
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I'm totally like not functioning, with my nose and brain blocked up. Argh i hate flu. Whatever mann, its like so tired after all that medication. And so cold. Ah-choo!!!
And when i'm not functioning, i end up rambling and rambling. And then i hurt people with my words, or maybe just disturb them. disturb enough for them to feel bad. Next time i dun feel well i should just shut up. Sorry... will make it up to you...
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Not in a good mood, have been trod on one too many times these days. Why should i complain, maybe its just me who feel this way. But i feel neglected, left out, not given a chance, to speak, to prove myself. I just dun feel myself doing enough yet, it's not me. I don't feel accepted in any social circle. People will always want to shun me.
Why do i even complain.
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Today when i reached school, during assembly, GR said that ive something on my hair, and he picked out 2 dead red ants. Whoa. either they died from pricking themselves on my short hair, or my hair is too poisonous, or they were already dead. See what kind of crowd i attract...
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Work left undone, still don't want to do them. not in the mood to. Feel like just rushing them through in lectures/tutorial times.
RJ teachers are so inefficient. This comes from the best school in Singapore, with the best facilities? amazing.
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GW: should i blackmail you? :P
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I feel robbed, again and again. Its not fair, that im always given false hope, and things never turn out right. Sighs.
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Do i really want to take a break?
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There's a wonderful clash in my A's: Maths S and Music (1) starts at the same time on the same day. Maybe i should start training to write essays with my right hand and solve maths with my left. But was talking to GW and J just now, this is what i may end up with:
'Mozart's Quartet in C Major, K(460+5), was composed in year 1700+85, as the last of a set of sq root 36 'Haydn' quartets dedicated to Haydn. This quartet is nicknamed 'Dissonance' after the complex roots that dominate the whole of the first 5^2+1 bars, the Adagio Introduction...'
'motif x^2 + motif x = Sum Y, where Y has a suspension, being a random variable of suspended players during a game. This scalic up and down movement follows the shape of the normal graph, so it is same to assume X ~ N(np, npq) and so we can use the normal distribution table to find out what chord it is at bar 26'
Interesting...
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The stress is really building up on a lot of people. I miss cat high, and all my teachers, who really made sure we could pull through. Its not like i cant turn to any teachers now, but they have their hands full with others. Sighs.
Friends, do i have any that i can really turn to?
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What are the news nowadays? I read them, but then i don't feel like talking about them... But some people don't even read at all... sighs...
In music we learn that detach means staccato, or not playing legato. Detachment, or non-attachment, or separation, simply means not being attached, and i'm hoping you know what attached means.
Over the past few days, weeks, months, year, i've learnt that there are indeed times when one needs to detach oneself, physically, and even more so, emotionally. It seems apparent sometimes, that one is needed to be cold and unfeeling.
I find that, many times, i do things and put in too much thought, and effort, and feeling, that it never turns out the way i want it to be. And when i just see things at a distance, and stay there, i get enlightened, on what should have been, and what can now be.
When playing brahms, or any other music, u need not force urself to think deep, feel deep. I saw that, when i detach myself, it becomes better. Detach, from the music, from your surroundings. You are all alone, in a world of your own, and suddenly everything u want, just comes to you. No one has to ever do things just to show others, to please others, or even to please your own self. Nah, it doesnt work that way. When u do not seek to find your destination, your goal, sometimes it just comes.
So what should i do? think deeper, or detach?
I suppose detach. I will isolate, move away. Disappear. Vanish. Probably...
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Anyways, i've forgotten the title to the post i typed last night. Is there such a thing called pure friendship between a guy and a girl? I want to hear ur views on that, just comment on this or tag it.
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Ive been reading 'When is Enough, enough?' and startingly, ive noticed something that is like so me.
Im not a control freak, but a self-reliant person. Too self-reliant sometimes. here's some characteristics: 1) high expectation of being disappointed 2) work around people 3) grudgingly accpeting of anytone else's faults but their own 4) quietly plug into the net, read the textbook, figure it out ourselves instead of asking. 5) take responsiblity even when it isnt ours to take 6) stay in teh background 7) blame others, then kick ourselves at night because we should have known and should have done thing differently 8) Not ready to give up anxiety 9) not trusting -at all- 10) attract procrastinators, who expect us to do all the work.
so how? must know how to let go of control, must know how to trust others, must know to ask for help, instead of all the time helping others.
but how to? it's not me. just not me.
and i seem to have just fallen into another category of people who do not want to seek change. sighs. i should have never gotten this book. Aiyah. i should be more positive.
but how but how but how...
nvm. should go do something else. like watch the tv. sheez cannot. must go do maths. sigh-ai-ai...
Things happen in a most certainly intriguing manner. It is interesting to know that i'm actually bloggin right now at 12.33 pm when i'm supposed to be in school? actually yar i'm still in school hehheh.
I'm so so so tired now that school has gone back to normal i can foresee late nights or early mornings again, rushing -wad else- maths tutorials like mad. Whoa like i was super lag already, today during first period Mechanics tutorial, the teacher came in and 'we'll be going through question 1 to 4 today' and i was like at question 2. What to do, rush q3 on the spot but couldnt finish the last part was damn hard. q4 didnt have time to do before she started asking for volunteers and the 2nd person she asked was me. so how say didnt do lor. then later she ask me 'why decided to take a break ah' which was so not true... i was working larh. only different kind of work. but what to say... 'oh q3 was too hard at the end and i became disheartened and didnt go on.' haha.
the stats tutorial was equally bad. 'those i havent check yet from q1 to 5 i want to check now' and im a bit better this time, at q4 already. rush q5, got stuck, had to copy. haha. then now was staring at q6 until i went for lunch.
shld go back to q6 now.
random ramblings. heh. this is called super tired and super bored. long long dayS with capital S ahead. bleahx.
Is there a thing such as pure friendship beween a guy and a girl?
I just saw this statement on some variety show last night. Didn’t care what show, was just about to turn off the tv to sleep. Oh yar my house has a tv, though its not in the living room haha.
Heard some answers though, before I switched it off. One girl (from Taiwan, it’s a Taiwanese show anyway) said that no, because all guys are dirty minded. Another girl said yes, because she was single before. A guy said that yes because not all guys go out looking for girls because of –that─ thing.
A celebrity said that for him, if he ever falls in love, he will never turn back to friendship with a girl. Sighs. And this female celebrity said that when she broke up with her boyfriend, she wanted to be just friends but the guy refused.
Something to ponder about yar?
Here’s what I have to say.
The other day, my junior overheard my phone conversation with a good female friend of mine (for some reason, my friends always know when I’m talking to a girl or a guy. Maybe it’s my tone for some reason. Haha.). Was making an appointment to meet up to do some project. And then my junior was like ‘Chee Hang you are SOOOO scandalous!’ and this other friend of ours who was there said ‘aiyah u are still too young to understand that guys and girls can be just friends.’
Nowadays in JC, there are like a thousand rumours flying around for a school population of just 2000 odd (means everyone is attached haha). What causes this syndrome, if it qualifies as a syndrome at all? Someone once said that its because that the majority of the population in RJ come from single sex schools, when they first come to a co-ed schools they look for companions, and rumours just start flying when a guy is seen around a girl for too long a period, and vice versa, and who cares what the definition of ‘too long’ is. I tend to be quite sceptical of this, cos in my sec school, rumours between guys flew around just the same. But, ok its not about homosexuality here but between the opposite gender so let’s stick to the topic.
What’s more, it’s not just the students who are gossipy. The teachers are equally bad, or even worse. (if there’s one thing I learnt, teachers gossip more than students. Maybe its some proportionality thing. Cos u have 25 students per class gossiping about one teacher, so the teacher can gossip 25 times more? Haha. ) Haiyoh. But why do these rumours keep flying around, and what causes them?
Seriously, I don’t know. I don’t believe it is because almost all the students come from single sex schools. I think that people in single sex schools do get to mix around wif the opposite gender (ie they are not -that- sad) and they don’t go to co-ed JCs to prow (haha). But anyways, here’s something interesting. Borrowed from Gabriel’s blog without permission. Come sue me. Bleahx.
Here's a few tips on how you create your scandal, especially when you feel really shit bored, or trying to keep a few fools occupied in a non-destructive manner. Step 1: when ppl ask you who you like, just randomly mention a person's name and act as if u're quite serious abt it. Step 2: with regards to choose which person's name to mention, best to mention someone who's already attached. there's this danger of naming someone who's not going steady, then for some wierd reason u start liking him or her (according to siying la..) then ya it seriously spoils the friendship. Step 3: TELL the person whose name u mentioned. if u want, both of you all plan on how to follow up on the scandal, hehs. Step 4: PLAY ALONG. if u want a bit more fun like making someone feel like a fool, just tell everyone except the person that the scandal's a fake, then everyone will notice how foolish he or she is to believe the scandal. An alternative to step 1 is to act as if u like that person. keep taking glances at the person, hang around him or her more often etc... it'll get ppl's minds thinking off. hehs.
But I think I am getting quite out of point. I wanted to talk about whether it is possible for guys and girls to have pure friendship. Pardon my grammar and sentence structure please.
I suppose it’s possible, or else there would be certainly some people who can be termed as buayas already. (for those who dunno what buayas mean, ask me for some examples.) In any case, not all guys are like –that–, and since it is possible to have friends between same genders why not cross? I mean, it is really too immature to think otherwise.
I’ve a feeling I’m rambling on and on already. Have I really so little things to say about this?
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Anyways, I watched ‘Unlocking the Da Vinci Code’ on National Geography just now, and I think that Dan Brown is either so smart or super dumb to write something to gain so much popularity. But seriously, I knew a lot of things that I would never have learnt through that controversial book. Hmmm…
Times have changed. I wonder when will people start becoming the old innocent them again, to do things the way it was done. No politics, no backstabbing, no evil, just pure kindness. You don’t see these nowadays.
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Had Piano Ensemble farewell yesterday, thank you to the J1s for organising the BBQ (although they weren’t that skilled at starting fires and I was the one who helped haha) Will miss you guys, be good, and dun ever buy Sarsi for your J2s (esp the girls and Ms Ang) again ─ they get high on Sarsi too easily!!! Impossible mann…
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I realised that there’s Maths S tomorrow and I didn’t go and get the tutorial. Wonderful.
Sometimes, I do wonder what interesting things happen in the future when the present is not there to watch.
I think my J1 comm is super fun. Sarcastically. Heh. ok i'm evil. Maybe they're not that bad, but super interesting though.
I've become quite a reversi expert. Looking for challengers or challenges.
Havent really commented about the present stuff going on, to list a few: -the murder -the drownings -the Olympiad or rather London 2012 -the london bombing
If you are going to read this blog and tell me that probably I am not feeling that good, save it. I already know.
If you've nothing good to say, then don't say. I'm not exactly in the best of moods, broke down already. Not just once.
I'm human too, in case you havent noticed. I'm also a living person, just like you, with blood, flesh, bones, nerves, I breathe, I walk, I laugh, I cry... I'm just like you, I have emotions too, in case you're wondering. Just like any one of you, I am emotionally dependent on others, I need care, I need to be protected, and treasured.
I'm not someone who can be made fun of indefinitely. Of course, occasional taunts and teasing, I can take it. Who can't? We all have a certain sense of humour within us, but there is a limit to how much I can take.
And when the limit is reached, you can expect one or a combination of the following reactions from me: 1) I break down uncontrollably 2) I become angry easily 3) I become very quiet 4) I look stressed and tired 5) I become incoherent 6) I try too hard to act normal and natural, and when this happens, those who know me well probably can tell. 7) others.
I usually start the day trying to put the things of the previous day behind me, but sometimes it is hard. Starting a day right is almost the most important thing, yet that is something that doesn't always happen. Smiling, laughing and joking doesnt mean that I am okay. It means I don't want others to find out I'm not, and that is because I always believe that others have enough of their own problems to handle mine as well.
I always want to help others, or help others to solve their problems. I used to do that, and when that happens, I usually find that their problems mirror my own, and I end up worse than I have before. Perhaps, I should keep to myself from now own, and become a loner.
Friends, do I have any? Can anyone out there safely say,"Chee Hang, I'm your friend"? I wonder, is there anyone out there that I can also say,"_____, I'm your friend."? What qualifies a friend?
In that matter, do we need friends, or just companions, or even just collegues and classmates?
Who do we turn to when we need a shoulder to lean on? When we need a shoulder to cry on? when we need a listening year, a kind hand, a loving pat? Is it someone that we loosely call our boy/girlfriend?
On relationships, my CT said yesterday that it's not good now to have a relationship. Results matter now. 'In case you slip into depression' etc... I wonder, do student relationships hold? And so what if we choose to get involved emotionally? Will it really matter to our grades? I've been through once two years ago, I survived. but what good has it come of me? I see myself now, still feeling as down as ever...
More than once, I've been hit hard with the hard truth that not everyone's abilities are the same, as much as I want to believe that to be true. Wherever I go, there will always be stragglers, and so happens, that I know a lot of these people. Why?
Nobody really notices what I do, and even if they do, the reasons for them. No one ever notices why I never go around asking thousands of people what they score. No one ever notices why I try to mix better with those who get marks lower than mine, just to maybe help them score better. If results are so important I'd gladly give you all my marks, cos to me, NO, I don't need them. I'm boasting? I'm saying this just because i have a perfect score? If you still think that way, thanks. You still don't understand. No one ever does. I always feel bad when I score a bit higher on the average, because I know everyone will hate me. I know I can count on one hand who are those who will just pat me on the back and say well done, maintain it, and can you help me too. none. teachers might say good job. In this case, I have no friends at all, if what everyone does is to tell me I'm mad because I get good results. I can just say I'm lonely. Maybe I should just forsake everyone I've been speaking to and mix with the perfect scorers. Maybe then I'll get consistent perfect scores and not those once in a while ones. Maybe then, I'll feel more satisfied.
But is that what I really want?
In this fast paced society, nobody talks anymore. People chat. Converse. But not talk, deeply, heart to heart. There's no one to talk to me, except this poor computer who listens silently. It can never offer a solution. But then again, do I want to talk? I worry about what others will think of me, will I be termed a failure then?
We only treasure what we had only after we lost it. How true.
The way some people greet some people can say a lot.
I get hints easily. Don't worry, I know what to do, as much as I don't want to.
I should just stop coming to school.
I've never loved Lutoslawski more. Brahms, I will just tolerate him for another 8 days.
Who reads all this anyway? Who will care? Who will understand?
Forget my question on what is a happy day. No one can ever be happy.
yet another steven speilberg films, a very touching one. a robot boy, who lost the love of his human mummy (i wld say that she is the user) and went in search of the blue fairy, who granted pinnochio the wish of life. the robot wanted to be alive, so that he wil not lose out to mummy's real child, and will also gain the love of mummy's husband, martin (whom he never called daddy in the whole film.) but there was no blue fairy, and his search led him to his maker, where he found that he is not unique as everyone had been telling him. yet it is in this journey, full of risks and dangers, that he learnt a lot, and he found out how real he is to a real boy, full of emotions, and full of love, that would be returned by a lot of humans. in the end, he sunk deep underwater, where an old playground had a statue of the blue fairy. and he sat in front of it, praying, for ever, to be made a real boy, and there he sat for 2000 years, until he was found by aliens who now rule earth. they finally granted his wish and let him live with his mother alone for one day by recreating her through a sample of her dna. as the day ends, mummy will die, and as she falls asleep, david sleeps too, beside her, for the first time. he goes away, to the place where dreams come true.
this is not the first time i watched this, but i find that, i have never really appreciated these kind of shows in the past. you would never see an old chee hang sitting down in front of the tv, watching these shows, or even reading a book about it, or even thinking after that, and definitely not tearing right at the end. i have changed, whether i like it or not, and i dunno why, i dunno when. is it for the better? perhaps in some ways, i feel more. i guess thats good. maybe thats why im rediscovering chopin again, cos a few years back i would never lay a finger on chopin, now im building up chopin repertoire. why? i dunno. perhaps its just maturing, perhaps its just more experiences.
at suntec city, theres a shop selling puzzles. one of the displays, is a picture of an angel, holding a violin. it is one of those very nice pictures, although computer printed, but definitely painted with a lot of heart and effort. highlights and all, brightness, it shows hope, optimism, cheerism, and everything which we look for. (it is so unlike the painting of 'Hope' that i saw in Tate last year) i dared not take a picture of it, cos is too nice. but. $79, nto something an average student can afford. perhaps, someday i will get it. like someday i will write something like grieg. someday...
grieg. it taught me that nice touching pieces do not need to be complicated and hard, just like Brahms. compared to brahms, grieg is simplicity. yet emoting, angst, despair, and hope. everything, in that short sonata. brahms is hard, full of emotions, flourish, pain. in brahms, it is almost impossible for you to feel when u perform it, cos the amount of work u put into it is enough to make u cry. but is my favourite grieg, it is the sound, the density, the mood, all created through simplicity.
on brahms, i had this discussion the other day. how to best perform brahms. this line came up, we all lead tragic enough lives to play brahms well. but is brahms all about tragic? no. it is also not lacking in hope, in moments of glory, in the moments when u shout/sing out at the top of your voice, "I'm at the top of the world". it is this glorious moments, the moments when the orchestra plays a V-I, when u shout out 'Ay!' at the end of iddemdem malida, it is these moments that i live for. the moments when u burst into tears, smiling, laughing, knowing that everything will be just fine. the moments of satisfaction. this is what i look forward to, and will always strive to get.
but is that destination important, or is the journey there, the buildup? what we always know, is that the journey is more important than the journey. cos it is in the journey that we learn. it is also through this journey, that we get to enjoy the final moments. for is it not at the end of "a long and labourious endeavour" that mozart finally gets praise and approval from Haydn to whom he dedicated the 'Haydn' quartets? thus will it be any different for ordinary folks like us all?
but without the destination, what is the point of the journey? where will your journey lead? we live in the destination, we thrive on it. the journey, though enriching, will just be that: a journey. like in AI, the journey to find the blue fairy. it is not the journey that we look forward to, it is the destination (more so when u are likely to get lost in the journey) in AI, we don't cry when we see David running away from captors, we cry when he finally sees his mummy wake up the last time. we don't sigh when he finds his makers, we sigh when his mummy finally leaves, and so does him. it is the destination, that makes the journey enriching. by itself, there's nothing to it.
i have decided to clear my schedule after last night when i reached home. i decided that what i want is not what i need. perhaps it is reading that book that helps. cos i have spent a long afternoon just relaxing at home, and probably same for tomorrow. it is perhaps not in me to really celebrate the end of CTs. it is just a pitstop in a race through the end of As. i will take a break, to breathe easily for a while, before plunging back in. and i wonder, whats the value of celebration? is it really that bad when preparing for CTs that u must celebrate, and do everything that youve never done before? although my original schedule was not to celebrate, but it is still the same.
perhaps i have not changed, as much as i believed. i now look the same as i did years ago, and i belief my heart have not changed. and probably i never will, because it is not me to change. i reject, resent, and always regret changes. i like things to stay the way they are, not because i am already satisfied, but because i am afraid of the unknown. i will always want more, to be better, but only when i know, i can accept the change.
probably, i can never improve, because i am an S personality.
I find out that as i stop blogging, the activity stops totally here as well... hmm queer...
anyways, im reading a new book now, my first english book since dunno how long: When is enough, enough? it talks about how people never feel satisfied, always want more, always want to do more, etc. i may fall into the want to do more category. hmm... so should i be doing something about it? haha i havent got to that part yet. and i dun think the book gives answers to my questions. maybe im queer. haha.
common tests are over. finally. heh. nows the wonderful time when u get back the thing called results. ah how nice. i'll probably get back nothing on tuesday maybe except physics if they finished already, then both my maths on wednesday (which is a monday timetable) and music on friday. i think i have pretty good ideas of what kind of grades i will get, but i shall not say here. i did say it somewhere though see if u can find it.
i need something good to record with. and a good place too. who has a studio in a home to lend me for 3 hours the next next sunday (10July) ? and a good recording device, that can easily transfer onto the computer. (if its too complicated u might need to go there too)
mm has been a long day. up at 7 to prac, now its 11.05, got home like half an hour ago. not that im complaining i did need that time to relax, to go out catch a movie, catch a spray at suntec, see some candys, walk around, and haha getting stuck in jams. oh did u know theres the ndp rehearsal today and the buses all stopped at bras basah which is like so wierd, and theres a super big jam somemore... and plus when the bus conductorS (with the big S) came up at bras basah to say 'the bus ends here' it reminds me of pple coming up to the bus and saying 'This is a hijack' haha oh what amusement. oh wells. watch too much american films i guess.
wow its 11.10 already. multi tasking means slow blogging. but anywas, it cant get any slower. haha. blog seems quite stagnant one. hehheh.
I'm Chee Hang. I'm currently serving NS, and I'm also part of the Catholic High School Choir
alumni, the Edward Becheras Vocale.
My favourite colour is blue.
My favourite composer is Beethoven.
My favourite music(s) are powerful.
My favourite food is anything edible and nice.
I like to help people.
I am childish.
I am still a kid, although already 19. Young at heart =o)
