Random Ramblings

If you are going to read this blog and tell me that probably I am not feeling that good, save it. I already know.

If you've nothing good to say, then don't say. I'm not exactly in the best of moods, broke down already. Not just once.

I'm human too, in case you havent noticed. I'm also a living person, just like you, with blood, flesh, bones, nerves, I breathe, I walk, I laugh, I cry... I'm just like you, I have emotions too, in case you're wondering. Just like any one of you, I am emotionally dependent on others, I need care, I need to be protected, and treasured.

I'm not someone who can be made fun of indefinitely. Of course, occasional taunts and teasing, I can take it. Who can't? We all have a certain sense of humour within us, but there is a limit to how much I can take.

And when the limit is reached, you can expect one or a combination of the following reactions from me:
1) I break down uncontrollably
2) I become angry easily
3) I become very quiet
4) I look stressed and tired
5) I become incoherent
6) I try too hard to act normal and natural, and when this happens, those who know me well probably can tell.
7) others.

I usually start the day trying to put the things of the previous day behind me, but sometimes it is hard. Starting a day right is almost the most important thing, yet that is something that doesn't always happen. Smiling, laughing and joking doesnt mean that I am okay. It means I don't want others to find out I'm not, and that is because I always believe that others have enough of their own problems to handle mine as well.

I always want to help others, or help others to solve their problems. I used to do that, and when that happens, I usually find that their problems mirror my own, and I end up worse than I have before. Perhaps, I should keep to myself from now own, and become a loner.

Friends, do I have any? Can anyone out there safely say,"Chee Hang, I'm your friend"? I wonder, is there anyone out there that I can also say,"_____, I'm your friend."? What qualifies a friend?

In that matter, do we need friends, or just companions, or even just collegues and classmates?

Who do we turn to when we need a shoulder to lean on? When we need a shoulder to cry on? when we need a listening year, a kind hand, a loving pat? Is it someone that we loosely call our boy/girlfriend?

On relationships, my CT said yesterday that it's not good now to have a relationship. Results matter now. 'In case you slip into depression' etc... I wonder, do student relationships hold? And so what if we choose to get involved emotionally? Will it really matter to our grades? I've been through once two years ago, I survived. but what good has it come of me? I see myself now, still feeling as down as ever...

More than once, I've been hit hard with the hard truth that not everyone's abilities are the same, as much as I want to believe that to be true. Wherever I go, there will always be stragglers, and so happens, that I know a lot of these people. Why?

Nobody really notices what I do, and even if they do, the reasons for them. No one ever notices why I never go around asking thousands of people what they score. No one ever notices why I try to mix better with those who get marks lower than mine, just to maybe help them score better. If results are so important I'd gladly give you all my marks, cos to me, NO, I don't need them. I'm boasting? I'm saying this just because i have a perfect score? If you still think that way, thanks. You still don't understand. No one ever does. I always feel bad when I score a bit higher on the average, because I know everyone will hate me. I know I can count on one hand who are those who will just pat me on the back and say well done, maintain it, and can you help me too. none. teachers might say good job. In this case, I have no friends at all, if what everyone does is to tell me I'm mad because I get good results. I can just say I'm lonely. Maybe I should just forsake everyone I've been speaking to and mix with the perfect scorers. Maybe then I'll get consistent perfect scores and not those once in a while ones. Maybe then, I'll feel more satisfied.

But is that what I really want?

In this fast paced society, nobody talks anymore. People chat. Converse. But not talk, deeply, heart to heart. There's no one to talk to me, except this poor computer who listens silently. It can never offer a solution. But then again, do I want to talk? I worry about what others will think of me, will I be termed a failure then?

We only treasure what we had only after we lost it. How true.

The way some people greet some people can say a lot.

I get hints easily. Don't worry, I know what to do, as much as I don't want to.

I should just stop coming to school.

I've never loved Lutoslawski more. Brahms, I will just tolerate him for another 8 days.

Who reads all this anyway? Who will care? Who will understand?

Forget my question on what is a happy day. No one can ever be happy.

jackson