If I stop hoping...

If I stop hoping, maybe I won’t be disappointed. Over the past few months, the feelings of anticipation, pride, and rush, may once again come to nought. And I stress again. It seems that life wants to play another joke with me yet again. Maybe its destined, that I have to go through all these highs and lows, so much that I can expect people now feeling that whatever I say in the future will no longer have any more credibility. And to think, I actually felt hopeful than the last time, especially after I have been made to rush so many things out, and the running from place to place… Do you have to do this to me?

Now it seems that this delay will just go on and on, and my moment, or moments, of glory will never come. Perhaps, it was never to be. I was not talented in that aspect anyway, better to stick to what I do best then… It will never seem enough for me, to do just that, but do I look as though I have a choice?

Should I still hope, that after a week or so in France, realisation on how important some things are to me, and how things now matter so much that it is almost impossible to take it away from me, this realisation will come? I say almost impossible because the authority, the power still exists, and in any case, I am in no way advantageous at all, and so, yes, it can still be taken away from me. What can I do, should I go on hoping? Or should I stop, and boycott everything? By the time ‘the right time’ comes, it will probably be too late. Perhaps it is never meant to be.

These days, it has been several times when I actually enjoyed myself. That was the time away from my books, and away from things that matter. I really enjoyed the games played during PE these 2 days, probably because I am on-form. Being back in the goal, after so long of worrying about breaking my fingers, really makes me feel good. Because that’s where I’m good at, not up there trying to score a goal (though on the field my soccer skills are still quite reasonable ie I can still score). But in any case, I’m still best in the goal, especially since I hurt my toe and it’s still not okay, and the amount of time I spent on my legs isn’t helping at all. Wonder what’s tomorrow, hopefully its something I can enjoy.

And yes, maybe I should just stick to what I am good at and stop hoping.

Sighs.

I seriously think my GP essay is a good laugh for everyone. Tell me, if you had to write on ‘Is sitting on the fence ever the best position to be in?” what would you write?

Well, I beat around the bush and really sat on the fence. Ask me for the script one day. The marker wrote comments like ‘move on’ and ‘you are moving on very slowly’ but seriously, I am not moving at all. Because I have no points at all, I ended up talking crap, and just going round and round and round. Haha. Interesting though. I got 16/30 for my content, my language saved me.

My physics teacher asked if all our commitments have already stopped. Looking around the class, except the few trackers and canoeists who are ending their season, I think I am the only one who’s like having outside commitments, and working too. And people say I am mad, but I enjoy doing these kind of things. I wonder why. Maybe it is a rush to ‘grow up’, to taste the adult life, before I am ready. Will I ever be?

This time of the year, many of my peers are going for university admission talks, scholarship exhibitions, and the likes of it. I feel so detached from all these things, not even wondering about studying after A’s. Am I weird? People say that when you go into a JC you are actually expecting to go to the university to get a degree etc. And, if you are in Raffles JC, you are like the cream of the crop, and so why not?

But, I don’t feel anything appealing to me. Sheez, I was even reluctant to come to RJ in the first place. (and I sort of regret my choice to come too.) But since I’m here, should I start considering and planning my path after NS, or can I still wait?

Seriously, I am thinking of not going to university. Shhhh, don’t tell all my teachers, or they’ll come after me. I can’t justify why, it is just a feeling that I won’t like it there. As you all know, I hate changes. That’s why I am an S personality, from the DISC test. (recently found out that I may have just become a C… And I was an I at sec 2!!!)

And I don’t find studying any fun at all. Not now, not before, and certainly not in the future. I come to school because of the people, not because I like my books. If RJ didn’t have all these people I liked so much, I would have left after the first 3 months. Sighs. What to do…

I find that I really am becoming too childish. I should change. For better or for worse, that is to find out. I should become a bit more mature. Before I end up like this for the rest of my life.

It’s not that nice being labelled as Pes C. Or Kopi boy. Or Goodie bag boy. Whatever. Yar go ahead and call me ‘Pes C’. I will just tolerate.

Once day you will incur my wrath.

Jackson