today (2003) was the second time i walked into RJC, and the day i submitted my form for pae. mm looking back, i wonder if i had really made the right decision. take a look at what has become of me today. haha. actually, i dunno what has become of me. why not you tell me?
i bet, people will say that i have fared well, looking at how i saunter past everyday in school. haha. funny how my friend was also thinking that perhaps he should have gone YJ too... should i have? as he said, 'go and top YJ'.. haha like real. my ego is deflated hehheh. (though my teacher says, if u have something, flaunt it). but still...
so looking back at these two years that passed by without me actually missing much of it. oh yar, i miss mt sinai. little else. but then again, what can i miss? mugging? the nights where i do not sleep? puh-lease. i'd rather have my nights.
i could go on, about the activities that happened over these two years, and then say 'yar that was fun', or 'i wouldnt want it again'. but haha i did that end of last year already...
some people think i havent changed that much over the two years, still the same cat high boy (kid), talking chinese, lazy, procrastinating, still playing the piano, still doesnt like to work out that much, more or less still a shy little boy. maybe i really havent changed at all. maybe i have. you tell me.
these two years have passed by too quickly for me to stop, to think, to ponder, to enjoy the scenery on the way. haha what scenery? the train at mt sinai, or the columbarium? (i was commenting just now that the road to chs frm bishan is so much nicer than the road to rj.) i never really took a break these two years, this year especially, 'cept for a few movie treats here and there, but then again, that's a break? what has kept me so busy, personally i do not know. maybe i kept myself busy.
come to think of it, yes, i have kept myself busy. for a boy in green shorts to mix into a community of all whites, i have tried to make myself visible to everyone (not just because of the green shorts). i have tried to make everyone know hey i'm there too, and i will not be an ousider even though im not from ri. i have just realised that i have tried too hard to make myself belong, and in the end i stick out. sorely. sheez. i probably had never been 'myself', thank goodness for the times where i went back to cat high, and more so for choir. not rj chorale. ebc and ebv.
perhaps i stick out everywhere.
so should i or should i not have come to rj?
oh wells. there are a few things and people who would have made me choose rj once again. not going to say what or who. but if not for these/them, i probably would have passed rj over. i did that once before. do it again?
(i rmb in sec 4 in my ge class, there was this guy who, once he found out that i wanted to go rj, just for mep, he just kept calling me RJ RJ or music. haha.)
(come to think of it, when in sec 4 we put up our goals/target sheet on our notice board, i realise i never met my targets before. oh my O's target was 9A1s by the way, and i didnt meet that. most people in my class met their targets, they didnt aim for impossible things. am i always trying to reach too high?)
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2)
i did something which i never really wanted to. but had to, because i didnt want to act anymore. no more faking. no more putting on false images. but it was a failure, cos it had to end, after some time, with such sweet memories.
perhaps it is this failure, (and another one but not two years ago) that has kept me from daring again, from reaching out, from trying.
im so scared of failure, i might as well not risk anything ever. right?
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A's, FTCL, the NAFA erhu exams are over. 3 more things left.
almost the exact two years when i made a very seriously big decision. well maybe 2. both of which i have regrets over, and also i have some things to rejoice about. mm. 2 years. almost. come monday, it will be exactly 2 years.
has it really been that long? this 2 years (less 2 days) have flew past so quickly, that i barely had time to think. barely had time to do anything.
in a way, yes, i wish i had been somewhere else, with other people, doing other stuff.
but on the other hand, there are some things i will never trade for another. some people who had made me realise that perhaps things are not so bad after all.
so. 2 more days, to evaluate. sounds so homework-y. maybe i miss school already.
nah. haha
if time could go back, to 28 nov 2003, would i do the same things, again?
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trivial. my A's and O's ended on the same day. 22nd Nov. haha.
trivial. my A's and O's both started and ended with maths papers.
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feeling very tired, exhausted. been using too much of my brain.
oh guess what. my examiner's name is called James Griffiths. haha.
oh. i think he must have been quite interested for the last few candidates. the whole morning, 2 ATCL recitals, and then all graded. the whole afternoon, all grade 2s, then the one b4 me was a mid 30s guy taking LTCL recital, then me FTCL. whoahaha. shld have seen his expression when i finished mann...
and the chair slipped on the carpet! my chopin! towards the end i could feel the chair MOVING! so i had to like hook onto the chair wif my left leg, and still try to get a full sound from an unwilling and unkind piano. and at the last chord i was just glad the chair stayed. haha. then after the silence after i let go, i was trying not to pant, then he suddenly went THANK YOU VERY MUCH in this warm voice and then he was warmly shaking my hand. oh gosh! oh by the way he shook the hand that hurt. ergh. have to see doctor before i really cripple myself and play ravel's left hand. haha.
ok tired. frm walking too much. and getting lost. in the dark. haha.
and like magic, 2 years of JC life is over. today was, i believe, the last time i'll step into school this year. and after like 2 years. one in mt sinai, one in bishan. 2 years.
2 years.
will time really heal everything? does time really heal everything? if so, why don't i feel it?
2 years.
so much has happened.
2 years.
so fast.
2 years.
and what will i say another 2 years from now?
2 years.
i want to go back 2 years. wait. no. make it 3 years. argh. anything. i just don't want it to be now. things are all over. sighs. over over over over over over over.
FM 9234/1. laughable, thats all i can say about it. u cant say that its hard, but its not easy either. its tricky, tedious, and laughable. i came out half laughing. laugh laugh laugh. argh quite pissed about the paper actually. dun tell you why.
oh no. paper 2. my mechanics is how bad now, having done all stats since dunno how long ago. worried, but then. no time to study mechanics!!! except like on monday morning, which is not good. not good not good. argh.
music!
aiyar. my time table. good in the sense that my subjects are all like continuous, ie math math gp gp phy phy phy fm fm music in that order. oh maths S ends but thats beside the point. then again, the amount of time i have between fm paper 2 and music paper 1 is like 15 hours, not enough!!! and then 1 hour between music paper 1 and maths S. bad.
ok. cheehang. dun stress.
but come to think of it, i dun want the A's to end. because right after A's, my FT. my erhu exams. the first two are like 3 day intervals away.
I WANT A BREAK!!!
someone save me... bleahx. who to blame. myself. haha.
the so many places waiting for me to go to, once i finish everything. by then it'd be next year. argh. no. i'll enjoy myself in between all my stuff. somehow. but until 28th, probably not, cept for a hopefully deserving dinner on the night of 25th after the FT, if i feel up to it. then maybe 28th i'll go out and shop? walk see walk see?
gasp. help.
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was listening to 92.4 yesterday when they advertised NPVC. about the prize winner's concert. the tickets. and they were giving out free tickets and stuff.
'Don't miss out this chance to listen to young virtuosos play... ... "
then i was laughing to myself. virtuosos. yes. and what am i doing, taking part?
as u can see, cheehang's confidence level is at an all time low.
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old emails can reveal a lot of things. when u have 1 gb inbox u just stop deleting things, and i was reading through some of the emails at the end of sec 4. interesting.
so much has changed... sighs.
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cheehang is not feeling well. so stop telling me i'll be fine.
super bored... bleahx. am in school library, having finished Nov 04, Nov 02 and JJC Paper 1s... having said that, its said that the odd years are harder than the even years, so actually doing all these papers will NOT help me at all haha but like i care... oh by the way i'm talking about FMaths. haha.
am taking a break, later maybe go do the 01 paper. or start on some paper 2s.
wa the library. havent really looked at it nicely. hmm i can count on my fingers how many times ive been here, definitely less than 10. but reaching 10 haha. not that i have a lot of chances to do come here anymore. lalala. but its definitely huge enough to be attractive. not to say to ambience hahaha.
oh wells.
argh. 11hr and 30 min of writing to go!
mm. to RJ pple. next thursday, 24th. 9am. im having a playthru of my FT repertoire for Mrs Chee. come listen bah. good to have audience haha can either stress me out or make me better. mm. music room. oh hmm bio ends at 9.15 haha. well then bio pple can catch chopin!
It works it works it works!!! ah i feel so much better today compared to monday even though... hmm lets see what went wrong.
first: i started with fluids, and spent probably a wee bit too much time there. Second: i forgot all my statics for kinematics, and was probably one of the jokers who did f maths and still dont do mechanics. third: my favourite waves just waved goodbye when i couldnt figure out what that stupid experiment meant. fourth: my 6 choose 4 was left with only 4 options so means no choice. so i looked at thermody. and then i probably got the first part wrong, but with error carry forward... hmm hopeful... fifth: e field! my maths is still there, but then i had to not know the last parts, on the suggest and explain stuff. and after the exam then i saw that hmm alpha particle can leh. sixth: EMI. pooi. i've got a 286V for my coil? how possible is that? seventh: Nuclear. argh. what is isotopes? and to think i memorised all those definitions to forget how to write nicely what is an isotope.
but on the whole. yes it was bad. but. im not caring anymore. this is a guy who says its all hopeless and so i'd carry on being hopeless, letting me be a bit more hopeful. crazy. nvm. it will be a long long long long long time before i touch physics again, IF i touch physics again. bleahx.
so now.
my hardest challenge for A's. FM and music so close tog. here's my schedule for revision so people don't call me and ask me questions during times when i marked *.
tmr: Nov 03 paper 1, Nov 04 paper 2, JJC paper 2 fri: Morning is the exam paper 1. afternoon Nov 03 paper 2, HCI paper 2. saturday sunday: music. monday tuesday: morning mug stats like SIAO. then afternoon paper. * sleep until 4 am (ie tuesday) * wake up and study music 8am: Music paper 1. *1030 to 1130: 1 hr break, try to catch some rest. 1130 to 1430: maths S. just flunk it. doesnt matter.
then its over over over... and i'll scream ARGHHHH. hha
then its sleep, for the rest of the day, then 8-hr intensive prac until 25th which is the FT!!!
I'm like one of the very few crazy people who blog in the middle of A's...
Opposites!
Good, Bad. Big Small tall short positive negative rich poor bright dull smart dumb expensive cheap light heavy yes no many little yin yang boy girl more less
blah blah blah.
just look around you, opposites all over the place! and they complement each other too! as in, without a big, how would you know something was small?
okok trivial...
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give up not going to touch physics again. imagine, in twelve hours the last physics paper i would probably take in my life will start. 14 and a half more hours, it'll be over, and tada no more physics in my life!
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50 to 95 in half an hour! then 60-90 in 15 minutes!
haha guess what.
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Rarely do i associate Chopin with something happy, even though some of his nocturnes are pleasant, i think of them as a kind of forlorn smile. but. this chopin scherzo, finally. i felt it! its a happy ending! chaos, confusion, hurt, pain, questions, answers. all give way to an explosive happy ending! i dun believe it!!! argh! its wonderful larh! finally, this scherzo is making sense to me. =)
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But technically, i'm still not there yet. maybe need more time on the piano everyday. hmm...
Im hoping i got that word correct. after gp is over i cant even speak proper english, the best example is the one that went 'are you going to coming to school' lalala. and like how i pronounce infinite. is it infeenate or infynight? who cares!
and.
the things you say to others after a horrendous paper DO NOT work. bleahx. i should keep my mouth shut next time. after being in the receiving end, of almost the same things, haha it doesnt make one feel any better. not like saying anything will help when one is in the worst of moods. haha. im delusive. laughing at nothing in particular.
and all that work put into physics, and definitions. HOW MANY CAME OUT? 2! T-W-O!!! gosh. i could have shot myself. and the blasted data analysis.
oh by the way you can see for yourself how the rest of this blog is going to go. if you cant take it, you have two choices. scroll down to a part where im more sensible, marked by -----, or go elsewhere. i SHALL NOT apologise.
and so, the stupid physics paper.
agreed, the mcq paper probably was of an expected standard, with me getting stupid questions wrong and pounding myself hard during the break. and i am the stupid joker who didnt bring a ruler nor an eraser for a physics paper, had to rub with the back of my pencil, when i refused to raise my hand for an eraser. and ran to borrow an eraser in the break, to the library 5th floor and back, within what, 5 minutes? and after a coffee somemore.
paper two went quite bad. no, wait, that is an understatement. it was horrendous. like reading the question wrongly. and deciding between -2 and +2 for 10 minutes, and making all sorts of calculations, and then putting down the stupid WRONG answer! ARGH!!! joker. bleahx. i'm smart larh. and tell me, i increase mass will increase amplitude of a forced oscillation. I AM SMART!!! the genius.
argh! the stupid data analysis! BAD BAD BAD. with wad, not understanding the whole question, lest to say answer it.
and there was like almost none of the definitions and explanations and derivations that i worked out painstakingly so that i can score in them! what did they ask? Kirchoff's second law. and the properties of an ideal op-amp. then. explain wad is a g-field. shucks. i was so pissed, i went to wash my face before data analysis. not that it helped.
ARGHHHH!!! if not for the fact that in my proximity, there are like millions of people, i could have just screamed. singapore is too small. too many people. too many useless people like me. grrrr...
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ok. vent over. not that im feeling any better.
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im going to convince myself that waldstein is a happier sonata than any of the 2nd period ones. for once there are more MAJOR parts than minor in the piece, and although its like super technically challenging for someone of my standard, its actually somewhat (and i repeat, somewhat) enjoyable. and i have like no time to practise, which makes it bad.
and i still cant do octave gliss on a yamaha g-3. once i can do that, any piano is conquerable.
and the chopin! all my technical work goes to waste after one day of not touching the piano. i have to start all over again.
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vent. yes. this has become a place for me to vent. argh. nobody told you to look.
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when will it be ALL over... sighs. suddenly im wishing for NS already.
I wonder, how do people cope with stress during exam times? in a mugger school like RJ, few would dare to admit stress, lest being labelled as a loser. yet at the same time, few would also have the time to admit to be stress, being the muggers they all are. notice i used 'they'?
and also, it is not as though people are free to hang around to people who talks crap. haiz.
i am stressed. about A's, and the stupid 5/6 things that follow right after it. yet, i have not told anyone, but its like now i really need to vent. argh.
since primary school, some guy named See Chee Hang would have always been labelled as a success, as a first in class, as a person who has all the glory. Someone who can manage time so well, that there does not seem to be anything that can crumble him. See Chee Hang is smart, a genius, who doesnt need to study and still gets wonderful results. See Chee Hang is nice, and will do anything for you just as long as you ask him. You will probably never see a grade lesser than a B on Chee Hang's score sheets. You cannot imagine Chee Hang failing. Chee Hang is just that, perfect. Chee Hang never needs help; he provides it. If Chee Hang says he's going to fail, he probably is going to get A anyway. And if he fails, what about everyone else?
yar right.
this is what ive gathered from opinions ive gathered over the years. there is a side to me that everyone does not see, and i wonder why.
since young, i have been ill, and i survive on nearly $5 of medication DAILY just to be where i am today. i study, just that people don't see. there are times where i break down and just cry, because i feel i cannot do it anymore, but everytime, just for everyone's sake, and for not letting everyone down, i push myself to complete everything. Sometimes to the extent of falling sick again. I may grasp onto things faster than anyone does, i may learn new things with ease. But im never good at anything, just average in most. I rarely seek help, because i dont know how to, and im not sure if people will help me. I dont trust a lot, thats why i keep a lot to myself. i help others, because i dun want to be alone, and being out there is better than sitting at home. there are things that can hurt me, and i can never be shielded from those. I have been shot, and i have broken down.
perhaps, it is because i want to live up to this image in everyone's mind, that i am now very stressed, and scared. what if i fail? after being THE chee hang everyone knows for so long, what if my time is up?
Is there anyone who cares anyway? is there anyone who can help?
i am not as strong as i used to be, and i have stupidly still piled thousands of things onto myself at this critical stage. its like, what is the point of taking FTCL and the comp (when i know i'll get kicked out after the first round) and all those erhu exams when i'm clearly not like the students who practise 10-14 hours a day?
seriously, i dun want the A's to be over. it seems the easiest of things to do now.
I need to find time to study music too, not with my weekends piled with physics and FM stats and mechanics next week, and FM paper 2 is an afternoon paper, right before the music paper. How am i going to cope?
sheez.
for those who have read until here, you're wonderfully bored. go study. A's and what-nots are more important than a certain See Chee Hang.
Pianists, and musicians, and everyone who has heard pieces from my FTCL programme before:
1) Waldstein is a happy sonata. True or false? Why? 2) Bach's Toccata in C minor BWV 911 has the longest fugue. (that's true.) What kind of touch should be used? Is it an organ fugue or harpsichord fugue? 3) Chopin Scherzo in B flat minor is a show piece and little else. True or false? Why? 4) How to play octave glissandi?
Read this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again.
See below...
ANSWER:There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost everybody.
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ok, that was a break from everything.
A's written papers start tmr for me. have had trouble sleeping, but hopefully it will be okay.
hopefully.
eeks.
oh yar, for those who have been sending me messages of good luck and all that, thanks. but i serioulsy dunno who you are cos i havent got all your numbers back. people who still read my blog at this time, just give me ur numbers. mm.
oh yar, my tagboard is not working. going to take it down soon.
After doing all those programme notes for my FT programme, i realised a few things.
The Bach Toccata has the longest fugue Bach ever wrote.
The Waldstein sonata is considered one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, piano sonata by Beethoven.
The Chopin Scherzo is the most compelling scherzo by Chopin.
See a trend? longEST, hardEST, MOST...bleahx. why am i doing so insane pieces? luckily never play Gaspard: the hardest piece ever written. haha.
and. how hard is it to memorise a fugue? no no no it is not hard at all. (im being sarcastic, in case u didnt know.) this is for the people who told me 'so what'.
this toccata. has two fugues on the same subject. IE different counter subject. they all start the same way. if im not wrong, the sequence of the entries of all the subjects are the same. ie which voice, which key. and all the subjects are the same, obviously. the end of this subject leads to this episode, but the end of that, which sounds the same, leads to another episode. the episodes are highly similar. try memorising a whole string of, say, 60 digits. there's bound to be a pattern, but its hard to remember.
today. i worked on memory. and memorised the WHOLE THING!!! IE: Bach Toccata, Waldstein, Chopin Scherzo the famous one. Though not totally there yet technically, at least can play decently.
and its how tiring larh.
try it...
after like 2 hours on the piano for memory work (interuppted briefly for dinner) then went on to play the whole programme. GOSH.
but what an accomplishment. i shall do this everyday. 2 hours of technical clean up plus at least one play through. all the way for the next 23 days.
and i shall start psyco-ing myself:
i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist. i am a great pianist.
With me, i have a printed copy of NYJC Maths 9233 and Pioneer JC Maths 9233 Papers 1 and 2. Not really intending to do them, but printed already. who wants?
I'm Chee Hang. I'm currently serving NS, and I'm also part of the Catholic High School Choir
alumni, the Edward Becheras Vocale.
My favourite colour is blue.
My favourite composer is Beethoven.
My favourite music(s) are powerful.
My favourite food is anything edible and nice.
I like to help people.
I am childish.
I am still a kid, although already 19. Young at heart =o)
