the 2 things i did 2 years ago 2day.

1)

today (2003) was the second time i walked into RJC, and the day i submitted my form for pae. mm looking back, i wonder if i had really made the right decision. take a look at what has become of me today. haha. actually, i dunno what has become of me. why not you tell me?

i bet, people will say that i have fared well, looking at how i saunter past everyday in school. haha. funny how my friend was also thinking that perhaps he should have gone YJ too... should i have? as he said, 'go and top YJ'.. haha like real. my ego is deflated hehheh. (though my teacher says, if u have something, flaunt it). but still...

so looking back at these two years that passed by without me actually missing much of it. oh yar, i miss mt sinai. little else. but then again, what can i miss? mugging? the nights where i do not sleep? puh-lease. i'd rather have my nights.

i could go on, about the activities that happened over these two years, and then say 'yar that was fun', or 'i wouldnt want it again'. but haha i did that end of last year already...

some people think i havent changed that much over the two years, still the same cat high boy (kid), talking chinese, lazy, procrastinating, still playing the piano, still doesnt like to work out that much, more or less still a shy little boy. maybe i really havent changed at all. maybe i have. you tell me.

these two years have passed by too quickly for me to stop, to think, to ponder, to enjoy the scenery on the way. haha what scenery? the train at mt sinai, or the columbarium? (i was commenting just now that the road to chs frm bishan is so much nicer than the road to rj.) i never really took a break these two years, this year especially, 'cept for a few movie treats here and there, but then again, that's a break? what has kept me so busy, personally i do not know. maybe i kept myself busy.

come to think of it, yes, i have kept myself busy. for a boy in green shorts to mix into a community of all whites, i have tried to make myself visible to everyone (not just because of the green shorts). i have tried to make everyone know hey i'm there too, and i will not be an ousider even though im not from ri. i have just realised that i have tried too hard to make myself belong, and in the end i stick out. sorely. sheez. i probably had never been 'myself', thank goodness for the times where i went back to cat high, and more so for choir. not rj chorale. ebc and ebv.

perhaps i stick out everywhere.

so should i or should i not have come to rj?

oh wells. there are a few things and people who would have made me choose rj once again. not going to say what or who. but if not for these/them, i probably would have passed rj over. i did that once before. do it again?

(i rmb in sec 4 in my ge class, there was this guy who, once he found out that i wanted to go rj, just for mep, he just kept calling me RJ RJ or music. haha.)

(come to think of it, when in sec 4 we put up our goals/target sheet on our notice board, i realise i never met my targets before. oh my O's target was 9A1s by the way, and i didnt meet that. most people in my class met their targets, they didnt aim for impossible things. am i always trying to reach too high?)

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2)

i did something which i never really wanted to. but had to, because i didnt want to act anymore. no more faking. no more putting on false images. but it was a failure, cos it had to end, after some time, with such sweet memories.

perhaps it is this failure, (and another one but not two years ago) that has kept me from daring again, from reaching out, from trying.

im so scared of failure, i might as well not risk anything ever. right?

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A's, FTCL, the NAFA erhu exams are over. 3 more things left.

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cant wait for two of them to pass.

ch